Week 15 NFL Game Predicitons

With less than two weeks until Christmas, I'm giving no more gifts. It's time to go Grinch style on my NFL game picking foes. Just know it's not personal, it's business.

Cincy handled business like a playoff bound team should. Hell, they almost tied their own shoes, washed their dishes and took the trash out...almost. They still have Pitt next week. But, for now they get a golf clap. The only question of this game, is which station do you think Andy Reid will be on - Fox, NFL Network, NBC Football Night America? Nah, Richmond VA radio.  To the games!

First, we have GB and Chi. Normally I would call this a rivalry, but the Cheese Heads have owned the Bears like furniture bought with cash. Plus, it hasn't been all pleasant in the 2nd City lately. When your QB throws more than twice as many INTs as TDs, it's inevitable that during the playoffs they'll be watching their TVs. Packers!

Can you say ground game? Between St. Louis and Minnesota, I don't know which one has the most struggles through the air. However, both play defense, run the ball and are streaking like Will Ferrel in 'Old School.' St. Louie has held rushers better than good poker hands but they're facing All Day and this will be their biggest test. I see Community College in their future. Vikings!

Denver v B-More is going to be a tough game to call. B-More's D is a shell of it's former self and Manning will likely slice it up like a Christmas ham. But, Caldwell's going to be calling the plays for Baltimore, now, which means Ray Rice is going to go off and Flacco will look like he's played football before. I think this Cameron firing will wake up this offensive club. Ravens!

Atlanta, you show me no love. I take you out, we have laughs, dance and look longingly into each other's eyes. Still, at the end of the night I'm going home alone. As my man Keenan Thompson would say, "What's up with That"?! Ooooohhhh Weeeeee, what's up with that? What's up with that?!!! But, after showing no fight last week, this week they have some mo'. Playing the team that embarrassed them in the playoffs last year will make them want to show the world they're as good as they think they are. Falcons!

In the Hostess Blown Opportunities Bowl, we have two NFC South teams that must have their practice facilities in the North Pole, because they give more gifts than that jolly fat man! I thought my dude Baby Hair finally had his team rolling toward the playoffs. No! I thought Brees was going to carry the Saints. Pssshhhttt. The only people that care about this game are season ticket holders and guys playing for their next contract. Buccaneers.

The Texans need to beat What The Luck and the Colts to clinch an AFC South title and truly proclaim their dominance on the AFC. If not, they could be giving them hope like a woman on a special dinner with a man she's been dating for three years. This is another team that will be motivated, because New England pulled the Texans pants down and beat their bare asses with a switch last week, keeping Indy in the AFC South crown hunt...yeah, the Yosemite Sam hunt. They need some close losses before taking the big one. Texans!

Miami and Jacksonville. Mama, do I have to? Alright. Alright! Integrity with my picks and such. Hmmm...Henne has proven why Miami left him at the altar by passing for a paltry 47% after his week 12 win and Miami scores like people at one of those impossible to win carnival games. Who wants to play, 'How Futile are You'!!!? This week we have two teams whose futility makes the music industry look like the oil business. Jacksonville finally has a team of their caliber to play, riling their emotions to a fevered pitch. In a desperate attempt to not lose, Miami chokes like eating a bone-in salmon. Jaguars!

Washington has no Sock Whisperer this week, at least not one with his usual scamperability. However, they have a capable rookie backup in one young Cousins. His confidence is the dressing room of a Hendrix concert - Sky High!! The Browns have looked like anything but themselves, lately winning 3 straight. If I were to rub my crystal ball, the Great Therrandini would have to say they keep it rolling at home. Browns!

Detroit heads to the flightless bird's nest in AZ. AZ is so bad. "How bad are they"?! They're so bad, Eddie Murphy wants to cast them in his next movie. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, Detroit's been in every game but hasn't found a way to win. This week, they put on the magic slippers and click their heels three times saying, "there's no place like W's." Lions!

In the HSBC a Day Late and a Dollar Short Bowl we have two teams that have made some improvements in recent weeks. Caro is finally living up to their potential and San Diego shocked the world with a win over the less than motivated Falcons. Last week Newton ran like a Kenyan in a marathon to make Caro look like the formidable opponent we though they'd be, against Pitt. I think they keep it going and Norv Turner has to become a deaf mute not to pop off and slap a reporter that asks him one too many questions about his job security. Panthers!

Did Seattle get a late season sponsor by Land o' Lakes? Because they're on a roll! *rimshot* I'll be here all week. Anyway, they'll be playing a Buffalo team who give up 135 ypg on the ground. I'm sure one Beastmode will be licking his chops to eat up his former team like a recently dumped girlfriend mauls a quart of ice cream. This could be another epic win. Seahawks!

The Steelers' lineup is shuffled more than a card deck after a Vegas dealer has gotten a hold of it. Dallas, meanwhile, looks like the team we always expect them to be. The typical November through December push has them eyeing the playoffs, but they're facing a team trying desperately to hold on to a wildcard spot. Conventional wisdom would say Dallas takes it to them like a lineman does a sled in the offseason. Mike Tomlin, in his finest coaching performance ever, finds a way to coach up his backups to destroy their rival. Steelers!

There could be a Terrelle Prior sighting! The scandalous one is set to take the field after Coach Allen was caught mentioning that he'll be playing more younger guys since the season's lost. That sounds like a coach  that has given up, thrown in the towel, waived the white flag, handed over his sword. Charles will chew up yards like 17 year old girls chew bubble gum. Chiefs!

Now, we have the night games!

After giving Houston a Texas sized thrashing, they face another tough opponent in SF. Can this D slow the juggernaut that is New England's O? It's possible. Plus, they will run the ball up the gut of the Patriots' D, keeping Brady on the sideline. As long as they keep the ball out of Kaepernick's hands, they'll be fine. In a small shocker, Forty Niners!

Regardless of everything, the Jets somehow could still make the playoffs if they win out and get a little help. Luckily their schedule is as favorable as an interview at your uncle's company. They shouldn't have to rely on Sanchez much, since Tennessee gives up about as much resistance on the ground as office bathroom toilet paper. Disgusting, I know but that's the Titans' rush D. In an improbable push toward the playoffs NYJ finds a way to keep themselves in the conversation. It's like this show will never end. We see another W this week, on 'Days of our Jets.' Jets!

Alright, the picks have been hermetically sealed in stone tablets carried down from Mt. Sinai by an old man with a beard. They say, the Grinch's heart will grow three sizes this day, because he wins Smooth's Football Follies! Good day and good luck at second.

Week 14 NFL Picks

Everyone should be excited about this week of football! Last week? A little crazy. Let's get back to business. Today, I'm getting my David Gregory on. This, is Meet the Picks.

Denver won with relative ease on Thursday. Denver showed some chinks in the red zone armor and Oakland...well, they were Oakland. Does Carson Palmer ever regret his decision to go all, "I'm taking my ball and going home" on the Bengals? If not, he shouuuuld.

Indy welcomes Tenny to the Circle City. Their last game was a classic, going to overtime and what not. But, this is a more seasoned Andrew Luck. I think it's safe to say he's earned a TO nickname. From now on he'll be known as What The Luck, or WTL, because this rookie has his team balling. Indy needs this game, as they'll be playing Houston twice at the end of the season. So, the playoff bound boys of Indy take care of business in grand fashion today. Colts!

This week on 'Days of Our Jets' Mark Sanchez returns to take his team to the prom, leaving Greg McElroy dressed up in his tux standing on the teams steps with a corsage, crying. Luckily, they're taking the Jags so they're gonna score. The worst running D in the league meets a team that should only run - ever. Maybe the critics will shut up for a day or two. Jets!

Dallas heads to Cincy after yet another tragedy in the league. Now, I know there's been a lot of talk about the culture of the NFL. People need to get serious though. This is a sport where grown men run into each other to stop the other from moving down a grass field 100 yds. That's not a recipe for attracting and maintaining stable people. If we can discuss the game, though, both of these teams are hotter than fresh out the oven pizza cheese in hell. I'm against all things Dallas. Screw Ft. Worth, big hats, F-150's and the Cowboys. Mark this down. This is a first for one TO, as I'll be choosing Cincy three weeks in a row. Bengals!

The Ravens are a mess. They're just a big ball of ligaments and broken bones in black and purple uniforms. While they were inexplicably losing to a man who's closer to a cheaper meal at Denny's than his college graduation, the Sock Whisperer was having a Hall of Fame performance. He's already broken Cam Newton's rookie QB rushing record with 4 games to go, and the HOF took his jersey and cleats! Damn! Now, that's what I call a legendary situation. The Cincy win and this B-Mo loss make the AFC very interesting. Redskins!

San Diego limps into Pittsburgh with a cast on one leg, a knee brace on the other and burn unit wrapping on their heads. Norv Turner actually said he's never met 3 of the starting linemen filling in for injured players this week. That's ridiculous; that's the Chargers this season. Pitt welcomes back Polamalu and is on a roll like an egg sandwich out of a deli. I can already see those god awful terrible towels. Steelers!

Chicago heads west to Minnesota to a team that has a running back with more rushing yards than his QB in the last seven weeks. WOW! I don't even know how to properly characterize the absurd nature of that stat. Imagine if you saw a baby lift a volkswagen while eating corn on the cob and drinking Jack Daniels. This is how you have a 210 yard rusher and lose, America. The Bears are more nicked up than Old Saint and I can't rightfully pick a team here. *Tosses Coin* And in a first time in three years event...Vikings!

St. Louie faces Buffalo in our next matchup. This game could help one of these teams make the, *shakes paper, adjusts glasses, looks closer in disbelief* ...the PLAYOFFS? Well, alright, let's do this. St. Louie's rushing attack and running game are key. If they win up front, they beat the Bills like they told the teacher on them. If not, the Bills go nuts through the air. Hmmm...I'm betting on the team with a man that has built in All Wheel Drive. Steelers!

KC goes to play a game for some reason. This week it happens to be in Cleveland. There's way to much off the field drama for these two horrible teams to care much about the game. Topping the list is this spat (can I call it a spat?) between Peyton Hillis and former teammate Joe Thomas. All you need to know to get the gist is that Hillis called him a "crazy ex-girlfriend." You have to love the male soap opera we call football. Hillis' current teammate, one Brady Quinn, is chomping at the bit to play his old team. He balled out of control last week. I think he keeps it rolling. Chiefs?

ATL plays Caro in Charlotte, to lock up the NFC. To think this won't happen would just be more ATL ain't that great talk. And I subscribe to that like millenials subscribe to daily newspaper delivery. Cam n' them finally got win three, but they'll be headed right back to "L" mountain this week. Falcons!

Baby Hair and his boys have been disappointing me the last couple of weeks. I'm sure they'll be getting my approval this week, as they face a defense that diagrams how to beat them in the dirt before defensive snaps. Andy Reid is firing and hiring people like he's running a staffing agency and even when they are about to win they find a way to lose with turnovers. They are the face palm kings. Picking them is akin purposefully stubbing your toe. You know, for a brief moment it's going to be the worst pain you've felt in your LIFE. So...Buccaneers!

Miami plays a San Francisco team that has been begging to be in the shitty position they're in. Sitting a winning QB for a flash in the pan is never a recipe for tasty "W" morsels. I'm off the Jim Harbaugh bandwagon. Watch as I symbolically swing my leg over an imaginary wagon bed to step on the ground...and done. Luckily they play in offense with the prolific abilities of an author that has only wrote a pamphlet, in Miami. Regardless of my disdain for the current running of this team they win. 49ers!

New Orleans beats NYG in the Manning era like it's just supposed to happen. Does that say something about these two teams? Recent history is more important that distant history, though, as Drew Brees has been throwing interceptions with reckless abandon, lately! New York's D takes advantage like giving a freshman co-ed Boon's Farm. Giants!

AZ plays Seattle this week. After all this Russell Wilson gushing, I feel like he's ready for a big...step back! Yes, the AZ O may be the worst thing in the world. but that D can still play a little bit. In the most epic turnaround I've ever seen, AZ has vanished like Indians after manifest destiny. I can't pick them in good conscious. As much as I think Wilson regresses after all the attention. He plays well at home and AZ has yet another QB switch. Yes, another one! Sehawks.

On to the night games!

G.B. welcomes the Motor City to a place where they haven't won since Barry Sanders was breaking ankles. I've already said that I kick on the logo of that city I used to live in and still call home. It's a shame this season's been such a disappointment. Rodgers goes HAM on that secondary like Honeybaked. Packers!

Finally, a game we can all love on Monday Night! Yes, the great Houston D versus teh awesome New England O! Who wins!? I know this, it's going to be fun to watch. My boy Stay Puf't has not fared well trying to put defensive plans together against the Patriots. He's got this Houston squad humming but it could be all bad versus his nemesis. Defense wins championships, but Offense wins regular season games. Patriots!

A thebuda thebuda thebuda, that's all folks! Put these scores on a Washington Monument! I want it to be a tablet right next the the MLK Jr. memorial. These picks are that good. With that, I'm out like Susan Rice as a potential Sec. of State.  Peace!

Week 13 Princely Picks

All Rise! Introducing the Prince of Prognostication Mountain!

*Sings* It's his piiiicks to-o be. A pick to be foreverrr// Picks to do whatever, his highness desiires.// They're his piiiicks to-o be// A vision of perfe-ection, pro-ognostication to quench his royal fires// Completeleeey free from infe-ection, to be used at your discretion// They're his picks to-o beeeeeee//

Thank you, thank you, please you embarrass me with your clapping! Stop, Stop Stop!! Prince TO commands it! Yes, it is time for my royal picks, but before I begin, I'd like to address this fallacy of my first win. As prognostication royalty, I win every week. It is the teams that have the wrong scores. They finally got it right. Good for them. Now, on to the games!

Atlanta and NO started us off this week. I have to admit, for a brief moment it looked bleak but I called in on the bat phone at the two minute warning, and Atlanta took care of business. Not only that, but they broke Brees' touchdown streak! Atlanta still left the door open for the pundits to hate on them like Ice-T in a Chappelle skit. Awww Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Do so at your own peril, because all they do is win!

Indy heads north up to Detroit. Is it me, or does Suh have an anger management problem? Kicking people, like an upset toddler? Come on, that's not even good dirty play, let alone respectable. I have officially given up on my Lions this season. I kick dirt on the logo! Colts!

New England goes in to Miami after hanging nearly half a hun'it on NYJ. They're offense is prolific as Smurfberries in Smurf Village. Touchdowns never run out! However, they're D is nothing to scream about, allowing 100 yds on the ground and nearly 300 through the air. Miami will need Reggie Bush to be a haus today, but a haus he's not. Patriots!

Everyone talks about the Chicago D, but did you know they give up 300 ypg?! If not for those turnovers, they're like a 20th ranked D. Seattle, on the other hand, can't win on the road, so chalk this one up for Chicago, right? HOOOOLD ON A MINUTE! The few times Seattle's won on the road in the past few years, it been at Soldier Field! But as you know, Prince Therran cares not for streaks! They mean about as much to me as holey draw's. Throw 'em out! Bears!

Buffalo welcomes the lowly Jags in to that snowstorm they call a city. Jacksonville will be going for consecutive wins for the first time in two years! That's futility. If you looked up futility in the dictionary, the definition would just be a box score of any Jags game in the past 3 seasons. Just pick one! But, with a Michigan boy, Henne, at the helm, they're looking like a pro team. Buffalo has regressed more then Lebron's hair line, with an offense that suddenly can't score. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jags!

Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!!! With all due respect, do you purposely talk out of your ass or is it some condition that I've never heard of? Trust, this QB issue will be a problem at some point in the season and it will be the reason Atlanta, not San Fran wins the NFC. It could be this week, as they're playing a hot (for them) STL team that has already seen Kaepernick and almost beat you. This time, Steven All Wheel Drive Jackson puts on his mudders and controls the game. Prediction: Kaerpernick throws three interceptions and Alex Smith refuses to go in the game, a la Scottie Pippen in the 1998 playoffs. *UPSET ALERT* Rams!

Houston heads over to Tenny. After a serious scare against the Lions, Houston is ready to get back to their dominant ways but with what players? I hear they're starting safeties at linebacker. Anyway, Tenny is firing coaches and taking this horrible season seriously, by firing their O coordinator and promoting a dude named Dowell...Do-well? Is it a sign? I don't know, what do I look like a clairvoyant? I'm just a Prince, people! Anyway, I do believe Chris Johnson is going to run on this depleted D, like money out of the banks before the depression. Back-to-back upset alerts? Could it be? YEP! Titans!

Minny v Green Bay brings us a NFC Norris Division fight of teams that both need to pick their pants up after embarrassing losses last week. Of both of these bruised up division foes, one would think it's the Cheese heads that can make the turn quickest. They will get chewed up on the ground, like a can of Skoal, but something tells me Rodgers and them are focused and ready to make their playoff push. Packers!

In another game of teams that were ducking their heads in the sand after ugly losses, we have AZ and NYJ. I'm naming this season a soap opera 'The Days of our Jets.' And the season teaser will be Sanchez sliding into his O-Lineman's butt and fumbling to have it returned for a touchdown. Immediate cut to Sexy Rexy saying "We can still make the playoffs." I can't write better jokes than they're real life. Still, I have about as much faith in AZ as I do in that koolaid David Coresh wanted me to drink. Jets!

Caro v K.C. brings us to a somber note. Sadly, a player took his life and the life of his girlfriend and baby's mother. However, life goes on and we must play and we must pick this game. Condolences to both families and the Chiefs organization. I hope that Crennel can use this unfortunate situation to turn his fortunes around. However, I doubt it. Panthers!

T.B. v Denver gives us an NFC v AFC showdown! I like Tampa Bay, but they give up more air than those yellow bagged masks during a loss of cabin pressure. I'm inclined to believe in them, but playing Manning with that pass D is scarier than a crime boss telling you that you have nothing to worry about. This could prove fatal, but on this one I go with my gut. Buccs!

Does anyone care about Oakland v Cleveland? Well, McFadden is back so there are some Fantasy owners that might care. However, both of these teams are sliding like NJ coastline after hurricane Sandy. I'm ambivalent about this game, so I'll go with the home team. Raiders!

That team that I no longer love welcomes Cincy to their home, and Cincy not San Diego has a chance at the playoffs with a strong final third of the season. WHAT? Is it opposite day? Is Chris Cross going to run in wearing their clothes the right way singing *Sit, Sit, the Daddy Mack'll make ya...Uh huh Uh huh* Bungles! Now, don't you disappoint me, too!

Pitt limps in to B-Mo with no Roethlis on their berger and that just makes the whole taste different. It tastes spoiled and unsatisfactory. Batch, will apply for his AARP card right before the game, and treat all the boys to a late 4:30 pm dinner. I think he shakes off the rust and plays well this week, giving the Steelers a chance. Ultimately, the re-made Ravens D is too much for the udder-less Steelers. Ravens!

The night games bring us hilarity. If I would have told you that Philly and Dallas would only have 8 combined wins at this point in the season, at the beginning of the season you would have laughed me out of the room. But, it's true, it's true. These teams suck harder than people trying to drink those old McDonald's milk shakes that had veins popping out of their foreheads. Dallas at least looks like a pro team. Philly is just unnecessarily crazy. What to watch for: Jerry Jones comes running out of the stands challenging Lurie to a fight at halftime, to decide the game. Cowboys!

Finally, Monday Night! Hmmm...seems as thought the NFC East is getting all the love for the primetime games! I like this matchup, though. Sock Whisperer v Lil Bro. Manning. The NYG D line v  that big Washignton O-Line. I like it, like kids love cotton candy at the fair. I love it like Janet Jackson loved Tupac in Poetic Justice. They're playing in Washington, and I think young RG Thrizzle wants to exact some revenge after that loss earlier in the season. He's learned a few things and I think he's ready. Yeah, you guessed it. Giants!

That's it folks, my Princely picks are in. I would like to have you know that I expect for the teams to fully comply with my picks this week, as they did last. And I'm out like all that leftover turkey. Deuces!!

Week 12 NFL Picks

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving my friends! Continuing on this awesome sports weekend is a football Sunday with some interesting - nay - compelling games. *Stretches, lunges, flexes* Let's do this! Like Gucci bag references in a 2 Chainz song, you know you're going to get the real from one TO the Great.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday! Unfortunately, these games went true to form. I'm for the firing of Jim Schwartz for costing the Lions that win. No coach should be that directly linked to his team's loss. Maybe there's insurance money in an 8 wins or less season for Schwartz. That hurt Detroit worse than if Obama were to outlaw cars.

Editor's Note to the Cowboys and the Jets:

Please stop. There is nothing good going to come of the rest of this season for either of you. It's time to pull the plug. Look, I understand there's belief and even animism necessary to suspend all logic that you have a problem. Tell me, how does it make you feel to have fallen so far from relevance? Yeah, I know. But it's time to move on. Say it with me, 'I take responsibility for the fact that I'm a loser and I am willing to stop doing the same thing and expecting different results.' Now, take a deep cleansing breath...now do the right thing and take the season off of life support.

Now that that's over let's talk some football!

 Pitt v Cle cracks open football Sunday. With all these crazy uniforms the Steelers have been wearing this year, I want them to come out rocking some 'Back to the Future' style PF Flyers, because it looks like 2003 up in this joint! Plaxico and Charlie Batch? What's next? Is the ghost of coach Cowher's chin going to come back and scowel at players?  The Steelers may be hurt, but Cleveland doesn't know how to win. Somewhere, Wiz Khalifa is waving a towel looking like a black hippie singing, "Black and Yellow"! Steelers!

*UPSET ALERT* Flash the lights and sound the sirens! After snatching victory from the jaws of defeat for a couple of weeks in a row, Atlanta heads south to face a hot team  in the swamp that they call Tampa Bay. My man Baby Hair's been slinging it, like a broken collar bone, for the Bay leading to some gutsy and solid wins. Matty Ice, on the other hand, has well...looked like fish filet on a plate of stake and lobster. Tampa's boys won't let him get away with those lapses in execution so easy. Buccaneers!

In the Cincy v Oakland game we get the original Red Rifle model facing the new and improved Red Rifle. Let's be real, no one could/should blame Palmer for holding out last year. What would you do if your wife was a paranoid delusional that held a knife to your neck while you slept? You'd leave! Anyway, his (old) team is still just as hard to figure out while his new team is just as much of a circus. Where did he gain? "Um, I'll take the black and silver crazy for the black and orange crazy please." WHAT!? I'm going with the new model. Bengals!

Will someone please get a wrench, some plumber's tape and a fix this leaky Chicago line? They're going to get someone hurt! Wait, they did? Cutler you say? Oh. They're going to get someone hurt we care about! Anyway, did you know that Adrian All Day Petersen is leading the league in rushing with 1,128 yards? Wasn't it just 10 months ago he was laying on the turf clutching his knee looking like a zygote in cleats?  I'm looking at him like Drago looked at Rocky, "he's not a man, he's like steel." I heard he has cyborg in his family - a couple generations back, but he looks like his great granddaddy. Vikes!

This next game is a tough one to call. But, that's why they pay me nothing. I can mislead you for free! I think this come down to the running game. Miami's lost it, and Marshawn the Beast Lynch is living up to his moniker. However, Seattle wins on the road like the Navy wins the ground battles. I'm hoping Tannehill can protect the ball at home and Miami figures out how to run block again. Dolphins!

After being shot out of the sky like a Dick Cheney quail, the dream season for Luck is back on track! Why? They're finally playing a team with a losing record again. What a recipe for success? A dash of salt, a pinch of cumen, and some horrible teams! Jokes aside, Buffalo looked pretty decent last week but I'm still skeptical. If Ryan Fitzpatrick doesn't throw the ball, they'll be fine. But I think the Colts offense puts them  in a situation where they need to throw; the wheels will then come off. Colts!

KC is playing Denver. We know who's gonna win, but not helping is one Where For Art Thou. He said, and I quote, "That's what I told them (the team), we have to be perfect because that's the only way we have a chance." Well thanks for the confidence coach! I'm ready to go run through a brick wall for you! Seriously! SERIOUSLY!!? This is why his teams are like 3 - 1 trillion. Somebody get a huge parachute so Crennel doesn't bust his fat ass when he's pushed out of the plane. Broncos!

Somewhere, the spirit of the AFC South is crying. Jacksonville welcomes Tenny into their town, and I can only hope Chris Johnson goes off like guns in a drug turf war. Titans!

While Baltimore doesn't play well on the road, San Diego's about as hot as Ice Cube's afro in one of those Coors Lite commercials. That' didn't matter last year, though, when they drubbed them and their chances at locking up the AFC. I'm not still bitter. This ain't last  year, though. Fighting for the last of Chicago's plumber's tape is San Diego's offensive line. I just hope Rivers doesn't get hurt when Suggs jumps on him like he's a trampoline. Ravens!

San Fran goes to face NO down in the dirty. The amazing thing, is that NO went from a bounty gate side show joke to legitimately relevant.  Meanwhile, Harbaugh is creating a sideshow with his QB starting situation. I'm not buying it. He'll do what he's done all season. Alex Smith is the starter and Kaepernick will come in for plays and/or series at times. What worries me, is will Alex Smith feel the tug of that short leash and make mistakes? Or, will he step up and bust the thread of that leash? It shouldn't matter too much, as NO's D is abysmal. I think San Francisco goes down there and hangs half a G worth of yards on these cats. Niners!

In the Papa John's Free Pizza Disappointment Bowl, we have STL v AZ. Since these teams played each other six weeks ago, they've both gone 0-fer. I don't even know what you call that. My elocution fails me at the enormity of that irony. Sad to say, AZ is starting a rook and I can't imagine STL is going to give it up to a rookie. But, that run D is about the only thing  AZ can hang is sloppy, torn, frayed hat. This will be a close and ugly one, but Rams!

Manning coming off of a bye is like money in the bank. Shawty what ya' drank! Sorry I just had a lil Scrappy moment, there. But I digress. I'm so excited for this showcase game, because Rodgers, when not on his ass, is tossing the pill like Crestor commercials. Which NYG team will show up? Will it be the team that reeled off four straight, or will they look like the team that lost the last two? I'm guessing they come back with venom and malice!!! They sack Rodgers in to two interceptions that Manning takes advantage of for a three point Double U. Giants!

In the Microsoft I Used to be Exciting Bowl, we have Caro v Philly. All eyes will be on two of the least interesting teams in the league, on the field. The side show and after game antics could bring us some fireworks, though! Ooooh, I can't wait to see Cam roll his eyes; Philly fans holding up hilarious signs like, "Reid the signs and quit";  or something like that. I actually want to see the train completely derail in Philly, at this point. What better way for that to happen than on Monday night in front of the world! Panthers!

Week 11 NFL Picks

The comeback begins! Me losing is about as true as Hostess going out of business. Trust, you'll still be able to enjoy the goodness, cuz like the trans fats and sugar...I'm killin' 'em son!

Buffalo didn't help me with my comeback, but since when has Buffalo helped anyone? Who would've thunk the worst D in the league went from being on the bad end of an avalanche to forcing turnovers like a wife with a snoring husband? *GAH!!!*  No matter, let's get to the rest of the games.

Why isn't the story line rookie v rookie in the Philly Washington game? Heh. I can't even keep a straight face on that one. In the first round of coaching for your job, Andy Reid edition, we see Philly coming in to face a squad almost as cold as they are. These teams are so cold, that by halftime they'll actually be playing hockey. The field will ice over, and NFL officials will come out with sticks. Regardless of Andy Reid's history against DC with new QB's, I gotta go with my main man Sock Whisperer. Skins!

Jacksonville goes to Houston in what can only be described as a "this is why they play the game" situation. Except, does anyone seriously think this is that kind of party? Not likely. My favorite bowling ball with legs is still out, Yo Gabba Gabbert is out, and their old record is out. 8 straight losses are to the Jags what cheddar bay biscuits are to Red Lobster - on the menu! Texans!

Detroit welcomes division foe Green Bay to the Motor City. This is a must-win for Detroit, and even though Green Bay is coming off of a bye, they're still beat up. This is Detroit's best chance to put themselves in position for the playoffs, because hand over brow looking down the road there's pot holes, speed bumps, and police everywhere. Detroit hangs on to win against the ailing Buccs. Lions!

Atlanta, just about the only team I didn't suspect to get upset on upset Sunday, had a letdown. Too bad for the Cards, because they're not going to lose two in a row.  I'm still bullish on this squad. There isn't much to say about this game, other than it will be a drubbing. Think the Hulk smashing Lokey at the end of the Avengers. Falcons!

Cincy goes to play KC. Cincy, a team that is about as consistent as a schizophrenic, looks to leave their Cybil-esque ways behind and finally get on a roll and play like the team they look like. For that to happen, you must beat the teams you're supposed to beat! If they don't win this, I'm taking them to Herman Keifer, putting on the straight jackets and prescribing them to intense psychotherapy. Bungles! I mean Bengals!

I'm riding with Sexy Rexy this week. Do you think Rex's team isn't playing so good because he lost so much weight? Is he the Luther Vandross of NFL coaches? I say, we take him to those supposedly closing twinkie facilities and make him eat! Eat until he gives up the guts and then make him eat some more. Something has to happen to help them change their disfunciton. St. Louie is better than their record, and another loss could send the football world into an absolute tizzy. "Who said Tebow sucks? Will Rex Ryan bring a BB Gun to practice and start shooting people? How long until Sanchez makes a public statement that he's being blackmailed by Russian gangsters to play terrible"? For the hope we get these scenarios, alone, I gotta go with the Rams!

Dallas, look at me in the eye. You have Cleveland coming in to town. I know, I know you like to blow games like a gardener does leaves. But you're better than that. You don't have to succumb to your natural proclivity to poke a hole in your own boat. What I'm saying is, I don't believe in you at all. But, you should believe in you. Your confidence in you gives me confidence in you. Oh, and it's November so go do what you do and win! Cowboys!

Low key Tampa is becoming one of my favorite teams of the 2012 season. Baby hair is playing like a grown man, they're playing good D, running the ball, and winning close games. Cam and them are having more  problems than a gazelle in a lion's den, and I have to resign to the fact that it's just one of those seasons. I can see this going to Caro, but that would be the sucker's bet. Panthers!

New Orleans has been trying to ball like a dog. Oakland, is what we thought they were - to channel my inner Denny Green - and they're missing their best offensive weapon. Things don't look so great on the east side of the bay for the home team. How ridiculous of a thought is it that the Saints could be .500? They need to give Drew Brees a key to the city, a car dealership, something. That dude has saved their season. Yep, there's other people on that squad, but they could have gone off the tracks, but he kept the train moving in the right direction. Wow. Respect. But that doesn't influence my picks. Raiders!

New England is welcoming in Indy, and everyone wants to make the QB's the story. And like you always hear, they're not playing each other. But that won't stop the idiot pundits from trying to have fun with it. I, unlike my usual M.O., will abstain. Patriots!

San Diego can't be as bad as they appear, like objects in your side view mirror. Denver is too high and this is the perfect time for them to drop one before their playoff push and the continued love of one Pharoah Manning. However, a division opponent they've already beat puts it on them like I do hot sauce on everything. Chargers!

Usually I'm all kinds of excited for Ravens v Steelers, but a bad B-More D and the Steelers playing a QB who hasn't started since the oughts, I'm less than excited about this. It's like hearing you're getting Rihanna when you thought you were getting Janet Jackson. I guess it's okay, but damnit I wanted to see Janet! Ravens!

Monday night arrives with another great game! How does Chicago get so (un)lucky that they get to have all these awesome games in a row? I'm excited to see if Chicago looks motivated after a tough loss to another great team. I'm not even upset we won't see the starting QB's, they're not the story for these teams, anyway. It's about the running games and the D. Both of which are won in the trenches. The immovable force v the impenetrable barrier! I'm more excited to see who has the best fat guys in the NFC than I am to have a couple of days off next week. Gotta pick somebody. Sorry Chicago, you come back in the hotly contested NFC North. Niners!

In case you didn't know, "Therran's Week 11 Picks" was the 11th Commandment, but biblical times politics got in the way. You can guarantee these picks are right as rain. I'm out like David Patreaus Peace!

NFL Week 10 Picks

Here we go again! Week 10, and the madness continues. You can't stop the prognostication shine, you can only hope to contain it.  Mark these words down in your diary, journal, or video blog (Culpepper) because you will rue the day you didn't pick upsets! Let's talk about upset Sunday!

The week didn't start exactly as we might expect, since the Jags didn't upset the Colts. However, didn't the Jags already beat the Colts for their one win!? Well, sounds to me like upset weekend is in full effizect. Let's do this.

Hooray for the Muscle Hamster! Does that make him Mighty Mouse's long lost cousin? And really, why would that name stick? Who enjoys calling someone Muscle Hamster? And is it just me, or if someone else was calling another dude "Muscle Hamster" in the locker room, wouldn't that make you uncomfortable? Anyway, these kids are baaaalling, like the last Jim Jones track to mean anything. Since I officially broke up with San Diego I can no longer pick them. I'm sure they'll win, buuut...Buccaneers!

Miami v Tenny could bring us the kind of excitement you get when you hang drapes. Sure, it sounded like a good idea, but when the brackets don't work and you're cussing out your family members, you realize...you were worried about this venture from the start. When your 175 year old owner says he's seen nothing like what you did last week, you've reached a new depth of lows that are rarely seen in sport. Does that deserve the pick of one Therranfuscious? I think not. No upset here. Dolphins!

The Bills head East to Gillette Stadium to play NE. Brady's 19-2 v the Bills. You know what that means on Upset Sunday? That means he's going to take a thrashing worse than Florida's electoral process. Stevie Johnson! Ryan...well, all the other guys - get so far in the Patriot's ass, they'll be spitting Bison Burgers. Bills!

Do Ravens have teeth? Because it seems like the Ravens (save that Houston debacle) has  been winning by the skin of 'em! Winning by 1, 3, and 7 points is a recipe for mediocrity in the league. The Ravens look so pedestrian, I hear they got a lifetime deal with Skechers. They'll be playing Oakland in B-Mo, without a running back. Word is they asked Phil Jackson his opinion about what they should do. It's all the rage in CA to do that, I guess.  Even on upset Sunday, you can't call this one for Oakland. Ravens!

Amen, in the name of the Nitchske, Brown and the Manning ghost. Seriously, you'd think this dude Peyton was a deity, the way these cats are treating him. I mean, I expect him to show up to the game in one of those bullet proof bubble domed Pope Mobiles. Meanwhile, Cam has fallen from grace worse than Bielsebub. However, he's on the comeback and we learned that Caro is 7-1 when the kid doesn't turn the ball over - 1-15 when he does! Unless the Broncos have some magical turnover powers they haven't shown this season, the matchup isn't in their favor, like a Bronx kid facing a judge on a "stop and frisk" charge. Panthers!

Eli! Where are you? Bruh, if you don't show up, soon, we're putting you on a milk carton. Damn, son! I haven't seen a guy regress so much since Karl Rove had to admit Ohio actually went to Obama! Who's the only team that looks worse than they do? You guessed it! The Bungles. When the road you're traveling seems all uphill...head to Cincy because they have all downhill slopes in that city! How does Marvin Lewis still have a job? My latest expose quest will be to uncover how/why/in what realm of humanity that makes sense. Giants!

Detroit heads to Minny trying to keep a lil' winning streak alive so they can climb out of the NFC North cellar. Minny looks so bad, they were treated for Sam Cassell disease, this week. It's true, they named a disease after that brotha'. It's good, though, a lot of very ugly people are finally going to get help. Anyway, I see this game being a continuation of the slow slide into sophomore slumpiness for one Ponder. I believed in the kid, now I just look at him like I do Scientology. Some people ride with you...but they're crazy. Lions!

Atlanta is 8-0 and they get no respect like Rodney Dangerfield standing next to George Carlin and Chris Rock. I disagree with the pundits, per usual, and actually think they're the truth. New Orleans, though, is on the come up like Stringer Bell and them in the first couple of seasons of The Wire. I'm not one to cast dispersion on wining streaks that last too long, but I think this is a letdown week for the underappreciated birds of the south. Saints!

Is Antonio Cromartie the craziest man alive, or is he slightly just behind Donald Trump? I'm no Psychologist, so I won't make any predictions, but they have about as much chance of making the playoffs as I do to hit a growth spurt, become 6-10' and finally hit the NBA like I wrote in my 3rd grade journal. However, whenever the chips are down, these cats seem to hit a Royal Flush. The young boy Russell plays quite well at home, but something flukey is going to happen that we can't explain and the ball will bounce the way of NY. This is probably a worse decision than trying to skateboard down a big hill while doing a hand stand, but I gotta do it...it's Upset Sunday. Jets!

In the Lowered Expectations Bowl, we have Philly welcoming division foe, Dallas, to the City of Brotherly Love. Yeah. Right. Ever been to Philly? I digress. Who can make a prediction about either one of these disappointments? I believe in these teams like I believe corporations care about anything but profit. "But Therran, 5 Hour Energy has pink bottles for the Susan G. Komen breast cancer!" Are you twelve? Given my lack of actual football discussion you see, analysis here is useless, *tosses a coin*, well it looks like the Eagles. Whatever.

San Fran still, in my not so humble opinion, looks like the best squad in the league. Meanwhile, the Rams take the ball away with the regularity of a senior after a cheese buffet facing a prune juice shortage. Disgusting, I know, but apropos. I still like Alex Smith, Gore and that D. No upset in this one. Forty Niners!

Texas heads to the Chi. I head towards the TV. This game will be a defensive gem. Turnovers, tackles and picks...oh my! I love games like this. It should be a tough game, but  the Bears ain't fought nobody. And while this technically can't be an upset with both teams at 7-1, I feel like most people like the Bears. However, the Texans actually have an offense that steps up in crunch time. Regardless of Peanut Tillman's predictive baby delivery powers, the Bears don't quite have enough. Texans!

Finally we end the week with a laugher. I know we should be living up to our predictions of upsets on Upset Sunday, but I'm not buying the Chiefs ability to beat anybody. The Chiefs have about as much chance of beating the Steelers as the Canarsie Indians do getting Manhattan back from the white man. I feel bad for my man Where for Art Thou. He'll never get another head coaching job again. After what he's been through in Cleveland and KC, he should be happy with a O Line Coaching gig. Oh well. Life's tough, and so is steel. Steelers!

Remember, you heard it hear first. Upsets are the word of the day! I'm out like Mitt Romney's Presidential chances. My President is still black. My Lambo is still blue. My picks still ring true. I'm out and good luck!

NFL Week 9 Picks

The kid is back! Barely, though, as I thought Superstorm Sandy was going to sweep me off of the face of the earth. Lucky for all of you, I'm still alive! I also still have interwebs and mild dose of insanity fueling all random thoughts and prognostications. Honestly, though, the whole tri-state is a mess and if you can help in any way, many people need it.

Now, on the NFL Week 9 games!

K.C. v San Diego...happened I guess. What's there to say? From what I could tell, San Diego did what San Diego always does. They lull you to sleep and total disgust and finally at some point figure it out and start winning games. They are the rope-a-dopers of the NFL. I'm sick and tired of this schizophrenic football team. I wish they would just admit they have a problem (1st step) and get some help. Lastly, an eject button is currently being installed under the seat of one Romeo Crennel.

Despite being 6-1, Chicago has an ailing almost anemic offense. So, what does Roger Goddell do, in all his magnanimity? He serves them up chicken soup for the offense in the form of the Tennessee Titans! What better way to get over an air attack with a bronchial infection than to be slipped the robitussin of a  D giving up 400+ YPG!!?? MY LAWD!! Bears!

The Arizona Cardinals have slid further than the Atlantic coastline...what? Too soon? Anyway, it's high "tide" they get a win.Still too soon? Oh screw you, I lived through it. Problem is they're facing a GB team who's season looks like a hockey stick line graph, after three straight wins. These teams always play each other tough, and AZ's offense can't be on crutches forever - can it? I don't think so. Young Skelton comes out blazing like a smoker at an oil rig. Sorry GB, but the injuries catch up to you this week. Cardinals!

Hear this! Peyton Manning has never, NEVER, ever lost Cincinnati. With these teams' fortunes looking like opposing halves of a black and white cookie, I don't see that changing. And with Marvin Lewis having to make statements like, "You have to play efficient at (QB)" and "Turnovers beat you" he wins the newly installed *drum roll* Wait for it..."Breathing Helps You Live" or BHYL (pronounced "bile") award, because A. these comments are so patronizing it's like telling someone to breathe and B. they make me sick to my stomach like bile! Seriously Marvin? Turnovers are a bad thing? If I was there right now, I would kick you in the shin and tell you steel toe boots hurt. Broncos!!

Indy and Miami must feel like they're looking into a mirror right now. They're awfully similar teams, in structure and record. The major difference? Run defense. Indy gives up more ground than a bullfighter, "Ole"! and Reggie Bush is due a big game. This will be a possession game, and possession is 9/10ths of the law...so I've read. Anyway, the running game keeps the ball out of Luck's hands for very few chances at 4th quarter magic. Dolphins!

The sky is blue, water is wet and the Ravens beat the Browns...and breathing helps you live. Did I just BHYL myself? Anyway, B-Mo' is coming off of a bye following a shellacking of embarrassing proportions. They typically do well post ass-kicking. And, giving that they're going to be playing the Browns makes this a near no-brainer. Problem? Well, the Ravens play horrible on the road. Why? I don't know, ask them. I'm just stating facts. I'm going to pick them, but given all the injuries and road woes, I'd like to state my hints of doubt. Ravens?

This week, the Sock Whisperer told reporters he didn't want to be compared to Cam Newton. Hold on, buddy this is just not some syllogism this is real life, son! Last two Heisman winning QB's. Similar stats. Numbers one and two for the most runs for QB's in the league...come on dude you're not Aaron Rodgers or Peyton Manning. Once  you guys figure it out, you'll surpass those dudes. You SHOULD be looking to be compared to Cam, because you guys are peers and will be playing - God willing - against each other for the next decade plus. A'ight. Now that I've berated you, go out there and get us a win! Redskins!

When times are hard and the chips are down. Put your hand above your brow, and look around. What? The answer is not apparent still? Fool! Take your ass to Jacksonville! Lions!

Buffalo v Texas represents the first time Mario Williams will return to Texas with his new squad. If I were him, I'd feel horrible about my situation. I was brought in to be a defensive franchise changer and we stunk on D all those years. I get traded and suddenly we're a top 5 defense? Now, I'm on a team with more "Ls" than seas got shells? The tragedy of it is almost Shaeksperian. Maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick will even call plays in iambic pentameter. Texans!

Tampa Bay v Oakland could be all about Carl Nicks, the All-Pro Left Guard for TB is out and the answers don't look to be very apparent down there in that swamp they call a city. Normally, I'd go with the strongest of the two best bottom feeders, based on the way TB handled themselves in Minny, but this is a toughy now. I will say this, it will be an entertaining game whichever team wins. But, I'm sticking with my gut. Buccaneers!

Minny v Seattle could resemble an MMA fight more than a football game. Ground and Pound will be on the menu for both of these offenses. Lucky for Seattle, when they do need Russell, he has played much better at home and the Seahawks D is a little more steady than Minnesota's. I keeps it real. Seahawks!!

One of the games we've all been waiting for is here! NYG versus the Steelers...sha-bam! as Eli would say in one of his DirecTV commercials. Alright, excitement aside I think the team that has played better to this point is clearly the Gigantes. They're not only leading the league in takeaways on D, but the offense has been consistently solid. Pittsburgh is coming on, though, despite some key injuries. This game will be tighter than public accountant butt cheeks, but the air game of the Giants is something special. Regardless of a 1-7 record under Coughlin in week 9 games, I gotta go with...Los Gigantes!!!

Atlanta is on *UPSET ALERT*!!! Yes, the 7-0 Falcons could be the victim of a Tony Romo and Cowboys squad that is something like 9,000-1 in November (I think my stats are correct), and I for one wouldn't take them for granted. It doesn't look like Atlanta is scurred in the least. They sorta' have a quiet confidence this year, unlike all those other times they posted great records and got the breaks beat off of them in the playoffs. But I digress! I hate to do this, as it goes against history and all things superstitious, but...Falcons!

Monday Night! who do we have? Philly v NO? Ahh geez, what am I supposed to say about these two train wrecks? I don't know, but both of these teams bore me worse than a Frazier marathon, at this point. What? My mic is on? Damn! DAMN!!!  Hey folks, it looks like we have a good one on Monday Night. Here's the truth. We have a Philly team with a QB playing for his coach and a coach coaching for his job. If they lose this game, Andy Reid might get fired on Tuesday. The scent of desperation is rank on you, Philly. Too bad Drew Brees and them are trying to hit a little stride and don't want to drop 2 in a row. If Philly can just hold on to the damn ball, they'd be alright. So let's hear it, albeit very quietly for the winner and still employed Eagles!!!

There you have it, carved into a pillar at the coliseum of football prognostication halls of fame everywhere, TO's 2012 Week 9 picks! Someone please flip the light switch behind you and make sure the door is locked because I'm out like the lights in Manhattan. Deuces!