Week 11 NFL Picks

The comeback begins! Me losing is about as true as Hostess going out of business. Trust, you'll still be able to enjoy the goodness, cuz like the trans fats and sugar...I'm killin' 'em son!

Buffalo didn't help me with my comeback, but since when has Buffalo helped anyone? Who would've thunk the worst D in the league went from being on the bad end of an avalanche to forcing turnovers like a wife with a snoring husband? *GAH!!!*  No matter, let's get to the rest of the games.

Why isn't the story line rookie v rookie in the Philly Washington game? Heh. I can't even keep a straight face on that one. In the first round of coaching for your job, Andy Reid edition, we see Philly coming in to face a squad almost as cold as they are. These teams are so cold, that by halftime they'll actually be playing hockey. The field will ice over, and NFL officials will come out with sticks. Regardless of Andy Reid's history against DC with new QB's, I gotta go with my main man Sock Whisperer. Skins!

Jacksonville goes to Houston in what can only be described as a "this is why they play the game" situation. Except, does anyone seriously think this is that kind of party? Not likely. My favorite bowling ball with legs is still out, Yo Gabba Gabbert is out, and their old record is out. 8 straight losses are to the Jags what cheddar bay biscuits are to Red Lobster - on the menu! Texans!

Detroit welcomes division foe Green Bay to the Motor City. This is a must-win for Detroit, and even though Green Bay is coming off of a bye, they're still beat up. This is Detroit's best chance to put themselves in position for the playoffs, because hand over brow looking down the road there's pot holes, speed bumps, and police everywhere. Detroit hangs on to win against the ailing Buccs. Lions!

Atlanta, just about the only team I didn't suspect to get upset on upset Sunday, had a letdown. Too bad for the Cards, because they're not going to lose two in a row.  I'm still bullish on this squad. There isn't much to say about this game, other than it will be a drubbing. Think the Hulk smashing Lokey at the end of the Avengers. Falcons!

Cincy goes to play KC. Cincy, a team that is about as consistent as a schizophrenic, looks to leave their Cybil-esque ways behind and finally get on a roll and play like the team they look like. For that to happen, you must beat the teams you're supposed to beat! If they don't win this, I'm taking them to Herman Keifer, putting on the straight jackets and prescribing them to intense psychotherapy. Bungles! I mean Bengals!

I'm riding with Sexy Rexy this week. Do you think Rex's team isn't playing so good because he lost so much weight? Is he the Luther Vandross of NFL coaches? I say, we take him to those supposedly closing twinkie facilities and make him eat! Eat until he gives up the guts and then make him eat some more. Something has to happen to help them change their disfunciton. St. Louie is better than their record, and another loss could send the football world into an absolute tizzy. "Who said Tebow sucks? Will Rex Ryan bring a BB Gun to practice and start shooting people? How long until Sanchez makes a public statement that he's being blackmailed by Russian gangsters to play terrible"? For the hope we get these scenarios, alone, I gotta go with the Rams!

Dallas, look at me in the eye. You have Cleveland coming in to town. I know, I know you like to blow games like a gardener does leaves. But you're better than that. You don't have to succumb to your natural proclivity to poke a hole in your own boat. What I'm saying is, I don't believe in you at all. But, you should believe in you. Your confidence in you gives me confidence in you. Oh, and it's November so go do what you do and win! Cowboys!

Low key Tampa is becoming one of my favorite teams of the 2012 season. Baby hair is playing like a grown man, they're playing good D, running the ball, and winning close games. Cam and them are having more  problems than a gazelle in a lion's den, and I have to resign to the fact that it's just one of those seasons. I can see this going to Caro, but that would be the sucker's bet. Panthers!

New Orleans has been trying to ball like a dog. Oakland, is what we thought they were - to channel my inner Denny Green - and they're missing their best offensive weapon. Things don't look so great on the east side of the bay for the home team. How ridiculous of a thought is it that the Saints could be .500? They need to give Drew Brees a key to the city, a car dealership, something. That dude has saved their season. Yep, there's other people on that squad, but they could have gone off the tracks, but he kept the train moving in the right direction. Wow. Respect. But that doesn't influence my picks. Raiders!

New England is welcoming in Indy, and everyone wants to make the QB's the story. And like you always hear, they're not playing each other. But that won't stop the idiot pundits from trying to have fun with it. I, unlike my usual M.O., will abstain. Patriots!

San Diego can't be as bad as they appear, like objects in your side view mirror. Denver is too high and this is the perfect time for them to drop one before their playoff push and the continued love of one Pharoah Manning. However, a division opponent they've already beat puts it on them like I do hot sauce on everything. Chargers!

Usually I'm all kinds of excited for Ravens v Steelers, but a bad B-More D and the Steelers playing a QB who hasn't started since the oughts, I'm less than excited about this. It's like hearing you're getting Rihanna when you thought you were getting Janet Jackson. I guess it's okay, but damnit I wanted to see Janet! Ravens!

Monday night arrives with another great game! How does Chicago get so (un)lucky that they get to have all these awesome games in a row? I'm excited to see if Chicago looks motivated after a tough loss to another great team. I'm not even upset we won't see the starting QB's, they're not the story for these teams, anyway. It's about the running games and the D. Both of which are won in the trenches. The immovable force v the impenetrable barrier! I'm more excited to see who has the best fat guys in the NFC than I am to have a couple of days off next week. Gotta pick somebody. Sorry Chicago, you come back in the hotly contested NFC North. Niners!

In case you didn't know, "Therran's Week 11 Picks" was the 11th Commandment, but biblical times politics got in the way. You can guarantee these picks are right as rain. I'm out like David Patreaus Peace!