The week didn't start exactly as we might expect, since the Jags didn't upset the Colts. However, didn't the Jags already beat the Colts for their one win!? Well, sounds to me like upset weekend is in full effizect. Let's do this.
Hooray for the Muscle Hamster! Does that make him Mighty Mouse's long lost cousin? And really, why would that name stick? Who enjoys calling someone Muscle Hamster? And is it just me, or if someone else was calling another dude "Muscle Hamster" in the locker room, wouldn't that make you uncomfortable? Anyway, these kids are baaaalling, like the last Jim Jones track to mean anything. Since I officially broke up with San Diego I can no longer pick them. I'm sure they'll win, buuut...Buccaneers!
Miami v Tenny could bring us the kind of excitement you get when you hang drapes. Sure, it sounded like a good idea, but when the brackets don't work and you're cussing out your family members, you realize...you were worried about this venture from the start. When your 175 year old owner says he's seen nothing like what you did last week, you've reached a new depth of lows that are rarely seen in sport. Does that deserve the pick of one Therranfuscious? I think not. No upset here. Dolphins!
The Bills head East to Gillette Stadium to play NE. Brady's 19-2 v the Bills. You know what that means on Upset Sunday? That means he's going to take a thrashing worse than Florida's electoral process. Stevie Johnson! Ryan...well, all the other guys - get so far in the Patriot's ass, they'll be spitting Bison Burgers. Bills!
Do Ravens have teeth? Because it seems like the Ravens (save that Houston debacle) has been winning by the skin of 'em! Winning by 1, 3, and 7 points is a recipe for mediocrity in the league. The Ravens look so pedestrian, I hear they got a lifetime deal with Skechers. They'll be playing Oakland in B-Mo, without a running back. Word is they asked Phil Jackson his opinion about what they should do. It's all the rage in CA to do that, I guess. Even on upset Sunday, you can't call this one for Oakland. Ravens!
Amen, in the name of the Nitchske, Brown and the Manning ghost. Seriously, you'd think this dude Peyton was a deity, the way these cats are treating him. I mean, I expect him to show up to the game in one of those bullet proof bubble domed Pope Mobiles. Meanwhile, Cam has fallen from grace worse than Bielsebub. However, he's on the comeback and we learned that Caro is 7-1 when the kid doesn't turn the ball over - 1-15 when he does! Unless the Broncos have some magical turnover powers they haven't shown this season, the matchup isn't in their favor, like a Bronx kid facing a judge on a "stop and frisk" charge. Panthers!
Eli! Where are you? Bruh, if you don't show up, soon, we're putting you on a milk carton. Damn, son! I haven't seen a guy regress so much since Karl Rove had to admit Ohio actually went to Obama! Who's the only team that looks worse than they do? You guessed it! The Bungles. When the road you're traveling seems all uphill...head to Cincy because they have all downhill slopes in that city! How does Marvin Lewis still have a job? My latest expose quest will be to uncover how/why/in what realm of humanity that makes sense. Giants!
Detroit heads to Minny trying to keep a lil' winning streak alive so they can climb out of the NFC North cellar. Minny looks so bad, they were treated for Sam Cassell disease, this week. It's true, they named a disease after that brotha'. It's good, though, a lot of very ugly people are finally going to get help. Anyway, I see this game being a continuation of the slow slide into sophomore slumpiness for one Ponder. I believed in the kid, now I just look at him like I do Scientology. Some people ride with you...but they're crazy. Lions!
Atlanta is 8-0 and they get no respect like Rodney Dangerfield standing next to George Carlin and Chris Rock. I disagree with the pundits, per usual, and actually think they're the truth. New Orleans, though, is on the come up like Stringer Bell and them in the first couple of seasons of The Wire. I'm not one to cast dispersion on wining streaks that last too long, but I think this is a letdown week for the underappreciated birds of the south. Saints!
Is Antonio Cromartie the craziest man alive, or is he slightly just behind Donald Trump? I'm no Psychologist, so I won't make any predictions, but they have about as much chance of making the playoffs as I do to hit a growth spurt, become 6-10' and finally hit the NBA like I wrote in my 3rd grade journal. However, whenever the chips are down, these cats seem to hit a Royal Flush. The young boy Russell plays quite well at home, but something flukey is going to happen that we can't explain and the ball will bounce the way of NY. This is probably a worse decision than trying to skateboard down a big hill while doing a hand stand, but I gotta do it...it's Upset Sunday. Jets!
In the Lowered Expectations Bowl, we have Philly welcoming division foe, Dallas, to the City of Brotherly Love. Yeah. Right. Ever been to Philly? I digress. Who can make a prediction about either one of these disappointments? I believe in these teams like I believe corporations care about anything but profit. "But Therran, 5 Hour Energy has pink bottles for the Susan G. Komen breast cancer!" Are you twelve? Given my lack of actual football discussion you see, analysis here is useless, *tosses a coin*, well it looks like the Eagles. Whatever.
San Fran still, in my not so humble opinion, looks like the best squad in the league. Meanwhile, the Rams take the ball away with the regularity of a senior after a cheese buffet facing a prune juice shortage. Disgusting, I know, but apropos. I still like Alex Smith, Gore and that D. No upset in this one. Forty Niners!
Texas heads to the Chi. I head towards the TV. This game will be a defensive gem. Turnovers, tackles and picks...oh my! I love games like this. It should be a tough game, but the Bears ain't fought nobody. And while this technically can't be an upset with both teams at 7-1, I feel like most people like the Bears. However, the Texans actually have an offense that steps up in crunch time. Regardless of Peanut Tillman's predictive baby delivery powers, the Bears don't quite have enough. Texans!
Finally we end the week with a laugher. I know we should be living up to our predictions of upsets on Upset Sunday, but I'm not buying the Chiefs ability to beat anybody. The Chiefs have about as much chance of beating the Steelers as the Canarsie Indians do getting Manhattan back from the white man. I feel bad for my man Where for Art Thou. He'll never get another head coaching job again. After what he's been through in Cleveland and KC, he should be happy with a O Line Coaching gig. Oh well. Life's tough, and so is steel. Steelers!
Remember, you heard it hear first. Upsets are the word of the day! I'm out like Mitt Romney's Presidential chances. My President is still black. My Lambo is still blue. My picks still ring true. I'm out and good luck!
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