Okay, okay after I took a bye week, we're back with more picking sophistication, supplanted solely by supposition and hilarious alliteration. Let's get to the part we all came for, week 7 winning picks!
The Thursday game this week was one long slobberknocker. For those of you not familiar with this term, it is the physical manifestation of a metaphor. When one is hit so hard, slobber is forcibly removed from their nose holes. Amazingly, people are starting to question Alex Smith again. I think he only looked kind of subpar. I mean, he did go 14-23 with a TD and an INT. Since when is that so horrible, especially against a top ranked D? I'll never understand the pundits that aren't me. For the rest of the games...
Division rivals, Tampa Bay and New Orleans kick us off in the one city with two names bowl. The most interesting thing about this game is a dude that hasn't played yet. However, the game's a little more sexy since Drew "I Miss My Homies" Brees and Josh "Baby Hair" Freeman got wins last time up to bat. I think the Succaneers are playing pretty well right now, so I'm going with the team with less mental baggage. Buccs!
The Sock Whisperer has arrived!!! Even Umenyiora is calling him Sir. He should enjoy it while he can, because the Giants D is going to beat him like a runaway slave. Notwithstanding recent history, the Redskins allow more airtime to QB's than Delta and Lil' Brother Manning is going H.A.M. through the air this year. Los Gigantes!!
Houston v Baltimore is the kind of game you can't wait for...all the players you know to return. Man, I had this game circled, but it looks like injuries could decide it. Let's see if the new dudes can handle Mein Fuhrer Foster. On a more serious note, who names a (half) black kid Arian? Anyway, you'll see a jacked up Ravens squad, now that Ray Lewis has more time to get back to his coke business. Yeah, that was a low blow but who cares? Houston bounces back. Texans!
Indy's playing Cleveland and I was prepared to write off the Browns, per usual, but they're actually playing like they could beat an SEC Team. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. Colts fans were treated to a Luck that looked lost last week. If Waldo were a receiver, he would have failed the first grade. Damn, he was bad! But, I have faith in the kid. Just, he's facing a pass D that gives up fewer yards than a pimp gives money. This is a tough one, but with their first road win in over a year...Cleveland!
Ruh Roh, Green Bay is back. Now, if we could just get rid of those dumb ass discount double check commercials. How 'bout it? A fair trade - your game for our sanity? But...Oh no, say it aint so. We have our first *UPSET ALERT* of the week. St. Louis is poised to bring back their running attack after Steven All-Wheel Drive Jackson has looked dismal this season. But, in a strange twist of fate, both of these teams are 3-3 with no discernible consistency betwixt them. So, there can be no upsets. Still, the STL is undefeated at home and I don't trust the Cheesey McDouble Checks. Rams!
Minny plays AZ and I think Kolb told the doctors to tell the team he had a rib injury so he could relieve himself of the bludgeoning he's been taking. Suddenly, the Cardinals look like the Cardinals and Defense aside, the Emperor has no clothes. Minny was looking good, too, but ponder has regressed more than arctic ice, though he's that cold. Somehow, I see a comeback for young Ponder. AZ's D is as susceptible to the run as 4th grade teachers are to the flu in January. Three words. Play. Action. Pass. Vikes!
Buffalo welcomes Tennessee to Raymond James for what could be an offensive explosion of epic proportions. Both of these teams are at the bottom of the league in points allowed. Tennessee, though, is probably the most egregiously bad team here. They have a geriatric playing QB, no D and a RB that used to get 200 yard games like fat people got diabetes, yet they're happy with a 91 yd game?! If Spiller and Jackson can hang on to the football, it should be happy times in Buffalo, if that phrase has ever been uttered. Bills!
Dallas heads east to Caro in our next matchup. I don't know which team I like worse. Per usual, Dalllas' roster and history have pulled the okie doke on us, as we watch them find new and creative ways to pull L's out of their pants, like rappers pull racks.While Caro is a bigger disappointment than the champagne room. Cam, I used to have your back. Now, I'm pointing at you with my eyes wide like you did it. What happened to the rookie sensation; the kid that was talking about how hard he was working all off-season? Now, you have to face one of the best D's in the league to try and get back on track. GAH!! It hurts my fingers to type this. Dallas!
NE welcomes NYJ in a battle of AFC East Supremacy! Why does it feel like they're just trying to pick themselves up off the mat? NE, remarkably, found a way to lose last week. NYJ has more injuries than an Afghani infirmary. However, NE hasn't lost so ugly and you have to give them some love, considering their recent history. Rex, regardless of his jib flapping is going to need some comfort food after this one. Pats!
Jacksonville plays Oakland and I could care less. Alas, all games count toward my victory. Jacksonville is so bad, I don't have any pithy remarks for their ineptitude. This saddens me. Oakland needs to just find a way to win. Well, things are looking up! If they blow this I've written them off like Geno Smith can write off the Heisman. Raiders!
Pittsburgh v Cincy in another division game this week. Both of these teams need a win more than they need air, right now. I'm particularly disappointed in my boy Tomlin's Steelers. Injuries aside, they give up the wins more than Romney gives up gaffs. Cincy is just being Cincy. However, they're .500 and the Steelers aren't. Still, I trust them as much as a thief in my house. Steelers!
Monday night we get the Lions v the Bears. This is the first time the Lions have been on MNF in my lifetime! And I can't enjoy it, because of an early flight the next day. BOOO!!! Personal interest aside, Stafford is does not look like he's into it in the first half of games. If he plays lazy, you can write this game off like a bad check for the Lions. The Bears, though, score nearly as much on D as the D gives up! What's that about? Has a D ever turned Offenses over more in the first third of a season? This is some epic stuff. I just hope the D line for Detroit can give Cutler that poopy face he loves to make so much. However, it is unlikely and I'd be crazy to pick my home squad. Call me insane! Lions!
Alright, sports fans. Look to your left, look to your right; none of you are going to win cuz I'm not standing next to you! That's the NFL 2012 week 7 wins and losses set in stone and I don't see Sir Lancealot. Peace, and good luck.
