Cincy handled business like a playoff bound team should. Hell, they almost tied their own shoes, washed their dishes and took the trash out...almost. They still have Pitt next week. But, for now they get a golf clap. The only question of this game, is which station do you think Andy Reid will be on - Fox, NFL Network, NBC Football Night America? Nah, Richmond VA radio. To the games!
First, we have GB and Chi. Normally I would call this a rivalry, but the Cheese Heads have owned the Bears like furniture bought with cash. Plus, it hasn't been all pleasant in the 2nd City lately. When your QB throws more than twice as many INTs as TDs, it's inevitable that during the playoffs they'll be watching their TVs. Packers!
Can you say ground game? Between St. Louis and Minnesota, I don't know which one has the most struggles through the air. However, both play defense, run the ball and are streaking like Will Ferrel in 'Old School.' St. Louie has held rushers better than good poker hands but they're facing All Day and this will be their biggest test. I see Community College in their future. Vikings!
Denver v B-More is going to be a tough game to call. B-More's D is a shell of it's former self and Manning will likely slice it up like a Christmas ham. But, Caldwell's going to be calling the plays for Baltimore, now, which means Ray Rice is going to go off and Flacco will look like he's played football before. I think this Cameron firing will wake up this offensive club. Ravens!
Atlanta, you show me no love. I take you out, we have laughs, dance and look longingly into each other's eyes. Still, at the end of the night I'm going home alone. As my man Keenan Thompson would say, "What's up with That"?! Ooooohhhh Weeeeee, what's up with that? What's up with that?!!! But, after showing no fight last week, this week they have some mo'. Playing the team that embarrassed them in the playoffs last year will make them want to show the world they're as good as they think they are. Falcons!
In the Hostess Blown Opportunities Bowl, we have two NFC South teams that must have their practice facilities in the North Pole, because they give more gifts than that jolly fat man! I thought my dude Baby Hair finally had his team rolling toward the playoffs. No! I thought Brees was going to carry the Saints. Pssshhhttt. The only people that care about this game are season ticket holders and guys playing for their next contract. Buccaneers.
The Texans need to beat What The Luck and the Colts to clinch an AFC South title and truly proclaim their dominance on the AFC. If not, they could be giving them hope like a woman on a special dinner with a man she's been dating for three years. This is another team that will be motivated, because New England pulled the Texans pants down and beat their bare asses with a switch last week, keeping Indy in the AFC South crown hunt...yeah, the Yosemite Sam hunt. They need some close losses before taking the big one. Texans!
Miami and Jacksonville. Mama, do I have to? Alright. Alright! Integrity with my picks and such. Hmmm...Henne has proven why Miami left him at the altar by passing for a paltry 47% after his week 12 win and Miami scores like people at one of those impossible to win carnival games. Who wants to play, 'How Futile are You'!!!? This week we have two teams whose futility makes the music industry look like the oil business. Jacksonville finally has a team of their caliber to play, riling their emotions to a fevered pitch. In a desperate attempt to not lose, Miami chokes like eating a bone-in salmon. Jaguars!
Washington has no Sock Whisperer this week, at least not one with his usual scamperability. However, they have a capable rookie backup in one young Cousins. His confidence is the dressing room of a Hendrix concert - Sky High!! The Browns have looked like anything but themselves, lately winning 3 straight. If I were to rub my crystal ball, the Great Therrandini would have to say they keep it rolling at home. Browns!
Detroit heads to the flightless bird's nest in AZ. AZ is so bad. "How bad are they"?! They're so bad, Eddie Murphy wants to cast them in his next movie. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, Detroit's been in every game but hasn't found a way to win. This week, they put on the magic slippers and click their heels three times saying, "there's no place like W's." Lions!
In the HSBC a Day Late and a Dollar Short Bowl we have two teams that have made some improvements in recent weeks. Caro is finally living up to their potential and San Diego shocked the world with a win over the less than motivated Falcons. Last week Newton ran like a Kenyan in a marathon to make Caro look like the formidable opponent we though they'd be, against Pitt. I think they keep it going and Norv Turner has to become a deaf mute not to pop off and slap a reporter that asks him one too many questions about his job security. Panthers!
Did Seattle get a late season sponsor by Land o' Lakes? Because they're on a roll! *rimshot* I'll be here all week. Anyway, they'll be playing a Buffalo team who give up 135 ypg on the ground. I'm sure one Beastmode will be licking his chops to eat up his former team like a recently dumped girlfriend mauls a quart of ice cream. This could be another epic win. Seahawks!
The Steelers' lineup is shuffled more than a card deck after a Vegas dealer has gotten a hold of it. Dallas, meanwhile, looks like the team we always expect them to be. The typical November through December push has them eyeing the playoffs, but they're facing a team trying desperately to hold on to a wildcard spot. Conventional wisdom would say Dallas takes it to them like a lineman does a sled in the offseason. Mike Tomlin, in his finest coaching performance ever, finds a way to coach up his backups to destroy their rival. Steelers!
There could be a Terrelle Prior sighting! The scandalous one is set to take the field after Coach Allen was caught mentioning that he'll be playing more younger guys since the season's lost. That sounds like a coach that has given up, thrown in the towel, waived the white flag, handed over his sword. Charles will chew up yards like 17 year old girls chew bubble gum. Chiefs!
Now, we have the night games!
After giving Houston a Texas sized thrashing, they face another tough opponent in SF. Can this D slow the juggernaut that is New England's O? It's possible. Plus, they will run the ball up the gut of the Patriots' D, keeping Brady on the sideline. As long as they keep the ball out of Kaepernick's hands, they'll be fine. In a small shocker, Forty Niners!
Regardless of everything, the Jets somehow could still make the playoffs if they win out and get a little help. Luckily their schedule is as favorable as an interview at your uncle's company. They shouldn't have to rely on Sanchez much, since Tennessee gives up about as much resistance on the ground as office bathroom toilet paper. Disgusting, I know but that's the Titans' rush D. In an improbable push toward the playoffs NYJ finds a way to keep themselves in the conversation. It's like this show will never end. We see another W this week, on 'Days of our Jets.' Jets!
Alright, the picks have been hermetically sealed in stone tablets carried down from Mt. Sinai by an old man with a beard. They say, the Grinch's heart will grow three sizes this day, because he wins Smooth's Football Follies! Good day and good luck at second.
Can you say ground game? Between St. Louis and Minnesota, I don't know which one has the most struggles through the air. However, both play defense, run the ball and are streaking like Will Ferrel in 'Old School.' St. Louie has held rushers better than good poker hands but they're facing All Day and this will be their biggest test. I see Community College in their future. Vikings!
Denver v B-More is going to be a tough game to call. B-More's D is a shell of it's former self and Manning will likely slice it up like a Christmas ham. But, Caldwell's going to be calling the plays for Baltimore, now, which means Ray Rice is going to go off and Flacco will look like he's played football before. I think this Cameron firing will wake up this offensive club. Ravens!
Atlanta, you show me no love. I take you out, we have laughs, dance and look longingly into each other's eyes. Still, at the end of the night I'm going home alone. As my man Keenan Thompson would say, "What's up with That"?! Ooooohhhh Weeeeee, what's up with that? What's up with that?!!! But, after showing no fight last week, this week they have some mo'. Playing the team that embarrassed them in the playoffs last year will make them want to show the world they're as good as they think they are. Falcons!
In the Hostess Blown Opportunities Bowl, we have two NFC South teams that must have their practice facilities in the North Pole, because they give more gifts than that jolly fat man! I thought my dude Baby Hair finally had his team rolling toward the playoffs. No! I thought Brees was going to carry the Saints. Pssshhhttt. The only people that care about this game are season ticket holders and guys playing for their next contract. Buccaneers.
The Texans need to beat What The Luck and the Colts to clinch an AFC South title and truly proclaim their dominance on the AFC. If not, they could be giving them hope like a woman on a special dinner with a man she's been dating for three years. This is another team that will be motivated, because New England pulled the Texans pants down and beat their bare asses with a switch last week, keeping Indy in the AFC South crown hunt...yeah, the Yosemite Sam hunt. They need some close losses before taking the big one. Texans!
Miami and Jacksonville. Mama, do I have to? Alright. Alright! Integrity with my picks and such. Hmmm...Henne has proven why Miami left him at the altar by passing for a paltry 47% after his week 12 win and Miami scores like people at one of those impossible to win carnival games. Who wants to play, 'How Futile are You'!!!? This week we have two teams whose futility makes the music industry look like the oil business. Jacksonville finally has a team of their caliber to play, riling their emotions to a fevered pitch. In a desperate attempt to not lose, Miami chokes like eating a bone-in salmon. Jaguars!
Washington has no Sock Whisperer this week, at least not one with his usual scamperability. However, they have a capable rookie backup in one young Cousins. His confidence is the dressing room of a Hendrix concert - Sky High!! The Browns have looked like anything but themselves, lately winning 3 straight. If I were to rub my crystal ball, the Great Therrandini would have to say they keep it rolling at home. Browns!
Detroit heads to the flightless bird's nest in AZ. AZ is so bad. "How bad are they"?! They're so bad, Eddie Murphy wants to cast them in his next movie. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, Detroit's been in every game but hasn't found a way to win. This week, they put on the magic slippers and click their heels three times saying, "there's no place like W's." Lions!
In the HSBC a Day Late and a Dollar Short Bowl we have two teams that have made some improvements in recent weeks. Caro is finally living up to their potential and San Diego shocked the world with a win over the less than motivated Falcons. Last week Newton ran like a Kenyan in a marathon to make Caro look like the formidable opponent we though they'd be, against Pitt. I think they keep it going and Norv Turner has to become a deaf mute not to pop off and slap a reporter that asks him one too many questions about his job security. Panthers!
Did Seattle get a late season sponsor by Land o' Lakes? Because they're on a roll! *rimshot* I'll be here all week. Anyway, they'll be playing a Buffalo team who give up 135 ypg on the ground. I'm sure one Beastmode will be licking his chops to eat up his former team like a recently dumped girlfriend mauls a quart of ice cream. This could be another epic win. Seahawks!
The Steelers' lineup is shuffled more than a card deck after a Vegas dealer has gotten a hold of it. Dallas, meanwhile, looks like the team we always expect them to be. The typical November through December push has them eyeing the playoffs, but they're facing a team trying desperately to hold on to a wildcard spot. Conventional wisdom would say Dallas takes it to them like a lineman does a sled in the offseason. Mike Tomlin, in his finest coaching performance ever, finds a way to coach up his backups to destroy their rival. Steelers!
There could be a Terrelle Prior sighting! The scandalous one is set to take the field after Coach Allen was caught mentioning that he'll be playing more younger guys since the season's lost. That sounds like a coach that has given up, thrown in the towel, waived the white flag, handed over his sword. Charles will chew up yards like 17 year old girls chew bubble gum. Chiefs!
Now, we have the night games!
After giving Houston a Texas sized thrashing, they face another tough opponent in SF. Can this D slow the juggernaut that is New England's O? It's possible. Plus, they will run the ball up the gut of the Patriots' D, keeping Brady on the sideline. As long as they keep the ball out of Kaepernick's hands, they'll be fine. In a small shocker, Forty Niners!
Regardless of everything, the Jets somehow could still make the playoffs if they win out and get a little help. Luckily their schedule is as favorable as an interview at your uncle's company. They shouldn't have to rely on Sanchez much, since Tennessee gives up about as much resistance on the ground as office bathroom toilet paper. Disgusting, I know but that's the Titans' rush D. In an improbable push toward the playoffs NYJ finds a way to keep themselves in the conversation. It's like this show will never end. We see another W this week, on 'Days of our Jets.' Jets!
Alright, the picks have been hermetically sealed in stone tablets carried down from Mt. Sinai by an old man with a beard. They say, the Grinch's heart will grow three sizes this day, because he wins Smooth's Football Follies! Good day and good luck at second.
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