NFL Week 9 Picks

The kid is back! Barely, though, as I thought Superstorm Sandy was going to sweep me off of the face of the earth. Lucky for all of you, I'm still alive! I also still have interwebs and mild dose of insanity fueling all random thoughts and prognostications. Honestly, though, the whole tri-state is a mess and if you can help in any way, many people need it.

Now, on the NFL Week 9 games!

K.C. v San Diego...happened I guess. What's there to say? From what I could tell, San Diego did what San Diego always does. They lull you to sleep and total disgust and finally at some point figure it out and start winning games. They are the rope-a-dopers of the NFL. I'm sick and tired of this schizophrenic football team. I wish they would just admit they have a problem (1st step) and get some help. Lastly, an eject button is currently being installed under the seat of one Romeo Crennel.

Despite being 6-1, Chicago has an ailing almost anemic offense. So, what does Roger Goddell do, in all his magnanimity? He serves them up chicken soup for the offense in the form of the Tennessee Titans! What better way to get over an air attack with a bronchial infection than to be slipped the robitussin of a  D giving up 400+ YPG!!?? MY LAWD!! Bears!

The Arizona Cardinals have slid further than the Atlantic coastline...what? Too soon? Anyway, it's high "tide" they get a win.Still too soon? Oh screw you, I lived through it. Problem is they're facing a GB team who's season looks like a hockey stick line graph, after three straight wins. These teams always play each other tough, and AZ's offense can't be on crutches forever - can it? I don't think so. Young Skelton comes out blazing like a smoker at an oil rig. Sorry GB, but the injuries catch up to you this week. Cardinals!

Hear this! Peyton Manning has never, NEVER, ever lost Cincinnati. With these teams' fortunes looking like opposing halves of a black and white cookie, I don't see that changing. And with Marvin Lewis having to make statements like, "You have to play efficient at (QB)" and "Turnovers beat you" he wins the newly installed *drum roll* Wait for it..."Breathing Helps You Live" or BHYL (pronounced "bile") award, because A. these comments are so patronizing it's like telling someone to breathe and B. they make me sick to my stomach like bile! Seriously Marvin? Turnovers are a bad thing? If I was there right now, I would kick you in the shin and tell you steel toe boots hurt. Broncos!!

Indy and Miami must feel like they're looking into a mirror right now. They're awfully similar teams, in structure and record. The major difference? Run defense. Indy gives up more ground than a bullfighter, "Ole"! and Reggie Bush is due a big game. This will be a possession game, and possession is 9/10ths of the law...so I've read. Anyway, the running game keeps the ball out of Luck's hands for very few chances at 4th quarter magic. Dolphins!

The sky is blue, water is wet and the Ravens beat the Browns...and breathing helps you live. Did I just BHYL myself? Anyway, B-Mo' is coming off of a bye following a shellacking of embarrassing proportions. They typically do well post ass-kicking. And, giving that they're going to be playing the Browns makes this a near no-brainer. Problem? Well, the Ravens play horrible on the road. Why? I don't know, ask them. I'm just stating facts. I'm going to pick them, but given all the injuries and road woes, I'd like to state my hints of doubt. Ravens?

This week, the Sock Whisperer told reporters he didn't want to be compared to Cam Newton. Hold on, buddy this is just not some syllogism this is real life, son! Last two Heisman winning QB's. Similar stats. Numbers one and two for the most runs for QB's in the league...come on dude you're not Aaron Rodgers or Peyton Manning. Once  you guys figure it out, you'll surpass those dudes. You SHOULD be looking to be compared to Cam, because you guys are peers and will be playing - God willing - against each other for the next decade plus. A'ight. Now that I've berated you, go out there and get us a win! Redskins!

When times are hard and the chips are down. Put your hand above your brow, and look around. What? The answer is not apparent still? Fool! Take your ass to Jacksonville! Lions!

Buffalo v Texas represents the first time Mario Williams will return to Texas with his new squad. If I were him, I'd feel horrible about my situation. I was brought in to be a defensive franchise changer and we stunk on D all those years. I get traded and suddenly we're a top 5 defense? Now, I'm on a team with more "Ls" than seas got shells? The tragedy of it is almost Shaeksperian. Maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick will even call plays in iambic pentameter. Texans!

Tampa Bay v Oakland could be all about Carl Nicks, the All-Pro Left Guard for TB is out and the answers don't look to be very apparent down there in that swamp they call a city. Normally, I'd go with the strongest of the two best bottom feeders, based on the way TB handled themselves in Minny, but this is a toughy now. I will say this, it will be an entertaining game whichever team wins. But, I'm sticking with my gut. Buccaneers!

Minny v Seattle could resemble an MMA fight more than a football game. Ground and Pound will be on the menu for both of these offenses. Lucky for Seattle, when they do need Russell, he has played much better at home and the Seahawks D is a little more steady than Minnesota's. I keeps it real. Seahawks!!

One of the games we've all been waiting for is here! NYG versus the Steelers...sha-bam! as Eli would say in one of his DirecTV commercials. Alright, excitement aside I think the team that has played better to this point is clearly the Gigantes. They're not only leading the league in takeaways on D, but the offense has been consistently solid. Pittsburgh is coming on, though, despite some key injuries. This game will be tighter than public accountant butt cheeks, but the air game of the Giants is something special. Regardless of a 1-7 record under Coughlin in week 9 games, I gotta go with...Los Gigantes!!!

Atlanta is on *UPSET ALERT*!!! Yes, the 7-0 Falcons could be the victim of a Tony Romo and Cowboys squad that is something like 9,000-1 in November (I think my stats are correct), and I for one wouldn't take them for granted. It doesn't look like Atlanta is scurred in the least. They sorta' have a quiet confidence this year, unlike all those other times they posted great records and got the breaks beat off of them in the playoffs. But I digress! I hate to do this, as it goes against history and all things superstitious, but...Falcons!

Monday Night! who do we have? Philly v NO? Ahh geez, what am I supposed to say about these two train wrecks? I don't know, but both of these teams bore me worse than a Frazier marathon, at this point. What? My mic is on? Damn! DAMN!!!  Hey folks, it looks like we have a good one on Monday Night. Here's the truth. We have a Philly team with a QB playing for his coach and a coach coaching for his job. If they lose this game, Andy Reid might get fired on Tuesday. The scent of desperation is rank on you, Philly. Too bad Drew Brees and them are trying to hit a little stride and don't want to drop 2 in a row. If Philly can just hold on to the damn ball, they'd be alright. So let's hear it, albeit very quietly for the winner and still employed Eagles!!!

There you have it, carved into a pillar at the coliseum of football prognostication halls of fame everywhere, TO's 2012 Week 9 picks! Someone please flip the light switch behind you and make sure the door is locked because I'm out like the lights in Manhattan. Deuces!