Week 13 Princely Picks

All Rise! Introducing the Prince of Prognostication Mountain!

*Sings* It's his piiiicks to-o be. A pick to be foreverrr// Picks to do whatever, his highness desiires.// They're his piiiicks to-o be// A vision of perfe-ection, pro-ognostication to quench his royal fires// Completeleeey free from infe-ection, to be used at your discretion// They're his picks to-o beeeeeee//

Thank you, thank you, please you embarrass me with your clapping! Stop, Stop Stop!! Prince TO commands it! Yes, it is time for my royal picks, but before I begin, I'd like to address this fallacy of my first win. As prognostication royalty, I win every week. It is the teams that have the wrong scores. They finally got it right. Good for them. Now, on to the games!

Atlanta and NO started us off this week. I have to admit, for a brief moment it looked bleak but I called in on the bat phone at the two minute warning, and Atlanta took care of business. Not only that, but they broke Brees' touchdown streak! Atlanta still left the door open for the pundits to hate on them like Ice-T in a Chappelle skit. Awww Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Do so at your own peril, because all they do is win!

Indy heads north up to Detroit. Is it me, or does Suh have an anger management problem? Kicking people, like an upset toddler? Come on, that's not even good dirty play, let alone respectable. I have officially given up on my Lions this season. I kick dirt on the logo! Colts!

New England goes in to Miami after hanging nearly half a hun'it on NYJ. They're offense is prolific as Smurfberries in Smurf Village. Touchdowns never run out! However, they're D is nothing to scream about, allowing 100 yds on the ground and nearly 300 through the air. Miami will need Reggie Bush to be a haus today, but a haus he's not. Patriots!

Everyone talks about the Chicago D, but did you know they give up 300 ypg?! If not for those turnovers, they're like a 20th ranked D. Seattle, on the other hand, can't win on the road, so chalk this one up for Chicago, right? HOOOOLD ON A MINUTE! The few times Seattle's won on the road in the past few years, it been at Soldier Field! But as you know, Prince Therran cares not for streaks! They mean about as much to me as holey draw's. Throw 'em out! Bears!

Buffalo welcomes the lowly Jags in to that snowstorm they call a city. Jacksonville will be going for consecutive wins for the first time in two years! That's futility. If you looked up futility in the dictionary, the definition would just be a box score of any Jags game in the past 3 seasons. Just pick one! But, with a Michigan boy, Henne, at the helm, they're looking like a pro team. Buffalo has regressed more then Lebron's hair line, with an offense that suddenly can't score. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Jags!

Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!!! With all due respect, do you purposely talk out of your ass or is it some condition that I've never heard of? Trust, this QB issue will be a problem at some point in the season and it will be the reason Atlanta, not San Fran wins the NFC. It could be this week, as they're playing a hot (for them) STL team that has already seen Kaepernick and almost beat you. This time, Steven All Wheel Drive Jackson puts on his mudders and controls the game. Prediction: Kaerpernick throws three interceptions and Alex Smith refuses to go in the game, a la Scottie Pippen in the 1998 playoffs. *UPSET ALERT* Rams!

Houston heads over to Tenny. After a serious scare against the Lions, Houston is ready to get back to their dominant ways but with what players? I hear they're starting safeties at linebacker. Anyway, Tenny is firing coaches and taking this horrible season seriously, by firing their O coordinator and promoting a dude named Dowell...Do-well? Is it a sign? I don't know, what do I look like a clairvoyant? I'm just a Prince, people! Anyway, I do believe Chris Johnson is going to run on this depleted D, like money out of the banks before the depression. Back-to-back upset alerts? Could it be? YEP! Titans!

Minny v Green Bay brings us a NFC Norris Division fight of teams that both need to pick their pants up after embarrassing losses last week. Of both of these bruised up division foes, one would think it's the Cheese heads that can make the turn quickest. They will get chewed up on the ground, like a can of Skoal, but something tells me Rodgers and them are focused and ready to make their playoff push. Packers!

In another game of teams that were ducking their heads in the sand after ugly losses, we have AZ and NYJ. I'm naming this season a soap opera 'The Days of our Jets.' And the season teaser will be Sanchez sliding into his O-Lineman's butt and fumbling to have it returned for a touchdown. Immediate cut to Sexy Rexy saying "We can still make the playoffs." I can't write better jokes than they're real life. Still, I have about as much faith in AZ as I do in that koolaid David Coresh wanted me to drink. Jets!

Caro v K.C. brings us to a somber note. Sadly, a player took his life and the life of his girlfriend and baby's mother. However, life goes on and we must play and we must pick this game. Condolences to both families and the Chiefs organization. I hope that Crennel can use this unfortunate situation to turn his fortunes around. However, I doubt it. Panthers!

T.B. v Denver gives us an NFC v AFC showdown! I like Tampa Bay, but they give up more air than those yellow bagged masks during a loss of cabin pressure. I'm inclined to believe in them, but playing Manning with that pass D is scarier than a crime boss telling you that you have nothing to worry about. This could prove fatal, but on this one I go with my gut. Buccs!

Does anyone care about Oakland v Cleveland? Well, McFadden is back so there are some Fantasy owners that might care. However, both of these teams are sliding like NJ coastline after hurricane Sandy. I'm ambivalent about this game, so I'll go with the home team. Raiders!

That team that I no longer love welcomes Cincy to their home, and Cincy not San Diego has a chance at the playoffs with a strong final third of the season. WHAT? Is it opposite day? Is Chris Cross going to run in wearing their clothes the right way singing *Sit, Sit, the Daddy Mack'll make ya...Uh huh Uh huh* Bungles! Now, don't you disappoint me, too!

Pitt limps in to B-Mo with no Roethlis on their berger and that just makes the whole taste different. It tastes spoiled and unsatisfactory. Batch, will apply for his AARP card right before the game, and treat all the boys to a late 4:30 pm dinner. I think he shakes off the rust and plays well this week, giving the Steelers a chance. Ultimately, the re-made Ravens D is too much for the udder-less Steelers. Ravens!

The night games bring us hilarity. If I would have told you that Philly and Dallas would only have 8 combined wins at this point in the season, at the beginning of the season you would have laughed me out of the room. But, it's true, it's true. These teams suck harder than people trying to drink those old McDonald's milk shakes that had veins popping out of their foreheads. Dallas at least looks like a pro team. Philly is just unnecessarily crazy. What to watch for: Jerry Jones comes running out of the stands challenging Lurie to a fight at halftime, to decide the game. Cowboys!

Finally, Monday Night! Hmmm...seems as thought the NFC East is getting all the love for the primetime games! I like this matchup, though. Sock Whisperer v Lil Bro. Manning. The NYG D line v  that big Washignton O-Line. I like it, like kids love cotton candy at the fair. I love it like Janet Jackson loved Tupac in Poetic Justice. They're playing in Washington, and I think young RG Thrizzle wants to exact some revenge after that loss earlier in the season. He's learned a few things and I think he's ready. Yeah, you guessed it. Giants!

That's it folks, my Princely picks are in. I would like to have you know that I expect for the teams to fully comply with my picks this week, as they did last. And I'm out like all that leftover turkey. Deuces!!