Week 14 NFL Picks

Everyone should be excited about this week of football! Last week? A little crazy. Let's get back to business. Today, I'm getting my David Gregory on. This, is Meet the Picks.

Denver won with relative ease on Thursday. Denver showed some chinks in the red zone armor and Oakland...well, they were Oakland. Does Carson Palmer ever regret his decision to go all, "I'm taking my ball and going home" on the Bengals? If not, he shouuuuld.

Indy welcomes Tenny to the Circle City. Their last game was a classic, going to overtime and what not. But, this is a more seasoned Andrew Luck. I think it's safe to say he's earned a TO nickname. From now on he'll be known as What The Luck, or WTL, because this rookie has his team balling. Indy needs this game, as they'll be playing Houston twice at the end of the season. So, the playoff bound boys of Indy take care of business in grand fashion today. Colts!

This week on 'Days of Our Jets' Mark Sanchez returns to take his team to the prom, leaving Greg McElroy dressed up in his tux standing on the teams steps with a corsage, crying. Luckily, they're taking the Jags so they're gonna score. The worst running D in the league meets a team that should only run - ever. Maybe the critics will shut up for a day or two. Jets!

Dallas heads to Cincy after yet another tragedy in the league. Now, I know there's been a lot of talk about the culture of the NFL. People need to get serious though. This is a sport where grown men run into each other to stop the other from moving down a grass field 100 yds. That's not a recipe for attracting and maintaining stable people. If we can discuss the game, though, both of these teams are hotter than fresh out the oven pizza cheese in hell. I'm against all things Dallas. Screw Ft. Worth, big hats, F-150's and the Cowboys. Mark this down. This is a first for one TO, as I'll be choosing Cincy three weeks in a row. Bengals!

The Ravens are a mess. They're just a big ball of ligaments and broken bones in black and purple uniforms. While they were inexplicably losing to a man who's closer to a cheaper meal at Denny's than his college graduation, the Sock Whisperer was having a Hall of Fame performance. He's already broken Cam Newton's rookie QB rushing record with 4 games to go, and the HOF took his jersey and cleats! Damn! Now, that's what I call a legendary situation. The Cincy win and this B-Mo loss make the AFC very interesting. Redskins!

San Diego limps into Pittsburgh with a cast on one leg, a knee brace on the other and burn unit wrapping on their heads. Norv Turner actually said he's never met 3 of the starting linemen filling in for injured players this week. That's ridiculous; that's the Chargers this season. Pitt welcomes back Polamalu and is on a roll like an egg sandwich out of a deli. I can already see those god awful terrible towels. Steelers!

Chicago heads west to Minnesota to a team that has a running back with more rushing yards than his QB in the last seven weeks. WOW! I don't even know how to properly characterize the absurd nature of that stat. Imagine if you saw a baby lift a volkswagen while eating corn on the cob and drinking Jack Daniels. This is how you have a 210 yard rusher and lose, America. The Bears are more nicked up than Old Saint and I can't rightfully pick a team here. *Tosses Coin* And in a first time in three years event...Vikings!

St. Louie faces Buffalo in our next matchup. This game could help one of these teams make the, *shakes paper, adjusts glasses, looks closer in disbelief* ...the PLAYOFFS? Well, alright, let's do this. St. Louie's rushing attack and running game are key. If they win up front, they beat the Bills like they told the teacher on them. If not, the Bills go nuts through the air. Hmmm...I'm betting on the team with a man that has built in All Wheel Drive. Steelers!

KC goes to play a game for some reason. This week it happens to be in Cleveland. There's way to much off the field drama for these two horrible teams to care much about the game. Topping the list is this spat (can I call it a spat?) between Peyton Hillis and former teammate Joe Thomas. All you need to know to get the gist is that Hillis called him a "crazy ex-girlfriend." You have to love the male soap opera we call football. Hillis' current teammate, one Brady Quinn, is chomping at the bit to play his old team. He balled out of control last week. I think he keeps it rolling. Chiefs?

ATL plays Caro in Charlotte, to lock up the NFC. To think this won't happen would just be more ATL ain't that great talk. And I subscribe to that like millenials subscribe to daily newspaper delivery. Cam n' them finally got win three, but they'll be headed right back to "L" mountain this week. Falcons!

Baby Hair and his boys have been disappointing me the last couple of weeks. I'm sure they'll be getting my approval this week, as they face a defense that diagrams how to beat them in the dirt before defensive snaps. Andy Reid is firing and hiring people like he's running a staffing agency and even when they are about to win they find a way to lose with turnovers. They are the face palm kings. Picking them is akin purposefully stubbing your toe. You know, for a brief moment it's going to be the worst pain you've felt in your LIFE. So...Buccaneers!

Miami plays a San Francisco team that has been begging to be in the shitty position they're in. Sitting a winning QB for a flash in the pan is never a recipe for tasty "W" morsels. I'm off the Jim Harbaugh bandwagon. Watch as I symbolically swing my leg over an imaginary wagon bed to step on the ground...and done. Luckily they play in offense with the prolific abilities of an author that has only wrote a pamphlet, in Miami. Regardless of my disdain for the current running of this team they win. 49ers!

New Orleans beats NYG in the Manning era like it's just supposed to happen. Does that say something about these two teams? Recent history is more important that distant history, though, as Drew Brees has been throwing interceptions with reckless abandon, lately! New York's D takes advantage like giving a freshman co-ed Boon's Farm. Giants!

AZ plays Seattle this week. After all this Russell Wilson gushing, I feel like he's ready for a big...step back! Yes, the AZ O may be the worst thing in the world. but that D can still play a little bit. In the most epic turnaround I've ever seen, AZ has vanished like Indians after manifest destiny. I can't pick them in good conscious. As much as I think Wilson regresses after all the attention. He plays well at home and AZ has yet another QB switch. Yes, another one! Sehawks.

On to the night games!

G.B. welcomes the Motor City to a place where they haven't won since Barry Sanders was breaking ankles. I've already said that I kick on the logo of that city I used to live in and still call home. It's a shame this season's been such a disappointment. Rodgers goes HAM on that secondary like Honeybaked. Packers!

Finally, a game we can all love on Monday Night! Yes, the great Houston D versus teh awesome New England O! Who wins!? I know this, it's going to be fun to watch. My boy Stay Puf't has not fared well trying to put defensive plans together against the Patriots. He's got this Houston squad humming but it could be all bad versus his nemesis. Defense wins championships, but Offense wins regular season games. Patriots!

A thebuda thebuda thebuda, that's all folks! Put these scores on a Washington Monument! I want it to be a tablet right next the the MLK Jr. memorial. These picks are that good. With that, I'm out like Susan Rice as a potential Sec. of State.  Peace!