HAPPY NEW YEEEAAARRRR!!!!
As we come to the end of another great football season, it's hard to say goodbye, but there's one more week of potential prognostication glory and the Playoffs! So, I ain't complaining. I hope the sweet potato pie and ham hasn't slowed you down because I'm racing to the finish...
First up, we have Dallas v Washington, in a career defining game for Tony Romo. I'm the first to pile on the Cowboys but this has been sad. Seeing Michael Irvin crying tears on his ashy lips every week during NFL Gameday coverage has been tough to watch. Not so much the crying but has the man never heard of chap stick? Anyway, he better get out his snot rag, because the 'Skins have come to play. It's a new era and RGIII has come to claim it as his own. Redskins!
Caro v NO is like a collision of cars - one full of sad face emoticons and the other full of hungry kids. For just $0.03 a day, you can help rebuild these teams. However, both of these teams are kind of hot coming into the last week of the season. NO fighting for respectability, Caro fighting for Rivera's job. It should be a great divisional game but given there're no playoff implications methinks fighting for the coach is a bigger deal. Panthers!
Who would've thought that the only thing riding on a Pitt v Cleveland season ending matchup would be job security? Ben Roethlisberger looks like that bone did puncture his lung, or his throwing arm in the 4th quarter at least. I like neither of these teams nor the players on them. Pittsburgh has a bunch of aging underachievers and Cleveland...well, it's Cleveland! Need I say more? Excuse me while I go Purell my hands profusely after typing that dirty word so many times in a row....and I'm back! I like Tomlin's approach and it sounds like Pittsburgh is coming in to play for real. Steelers!
Miami heads up to chilly NE to clash with the Pats. The Pats give up more first quarter points than a basketball team and the Miami D could make it tough for them to come back like they did against Jacksonville and SF. But, who am I kidding? As long as they don't rest a bunch of guys because they can't help they're seeding they're huge favorites. Pats!
The crickets around the league at Vick's return to the lineup tells us that this little experiment is finally over. Scientists tried to splice an Eagle with a Vick and just ended up with a pitbull with paws so small, it fumbles all the time. Oh well, everything must end. I'm interested to see how the Giants respond, too. They've been so bad, I was going to start giving them a nickname of mockery. No mas Los Gigantes. Hola, Muy Pequenos. The Very Littles are a sad looking team right now. No pass rush, Lil' Manning looking like his older brother...not Peyton, the other one. It's a damn shame. Eagles!
Chicago needs a win against the D to even sniff the playoffs, and after going 7-1, it's a tough pill to swallow. Detroit's motivated, though, and could potentially outscore a flailing Bears O if they don't turn the ball over. I would love to see that infamous Jay Cutler, gimme my toy back, poopy face. Though unlikely, Detroit's got some tools and could put a game together. Probably more of a shaky treehouse than a solid woodshed, but it's something, right? Nah! Bears!
B-Mo v Cincy features two teams bound for the playoffs. This game could still be interesting, as one of the scenarios has Cincy playing Baltimore. After the way they started, I thought Cincy had about as much chance at the playoffs as I do with my dream girl Kerry Washington, but they somehow did. Kerry, if you're reading, this call me. If the Bungles can do it, then we can make it work. Desperate pleas aside, B-Mo has found a way to lock up the AFC North, even though they were sliding faster than a fat man at a water park up until last week. I happen to think Cincy, dare I say it, has a more complete team and could cause some havoc this week. Bengals!
Rudy! Rudy! Wait, this isn't Notre Dame? Oh, well given the Pagano stuff I just thought...no matter. An emotional lift the size of that helium balloon that took that fool ass skydiver into outer space will be standing on the sideline for the Colts. They'll need it, because Houston is surely looking to finish strong after some disappointing losses. That D could be a huge help, given the Colts' recent struggles on O. I hate to go against the more emotionally charged team, but something's telling me to pick the other guys. Teeexans!
Jacksonville plays Tenny in the Enron Who Gives a Good Got Damn Bowl. My sensibilities tell me, the only interesting thing to see behind the Police Tape that are these two franchises is Chris Johnson. I want to see him do that dance one more time, where he throws up the ball, sways, Douggies, catches the ball and then locks it in. That dance is sweet. The rest of the product in this matchup is sour. Sounds like a sour patch kids commercial. Titans!
Tampa Bay looks like one of the superbike motorcycle wrecks - nobody survives. Atlanta, meanwhile, is up to their old tricks again. They've sewed up the playoffs like winter mittens and are struggling to figure out how much to rest guys and yadda yadda. Let me give you some advice, ATL. You need to finish strong, so you don't stink up the joint like 3 day old fish left in the garbage can. If you don't you can expect to be watching the games with me in late January. Falcons!
This week on 'As the Jet Turns' we have more drama. Sanchez in, Tebow out (to Jacksonville?), Ryan still blubbering about the playoffs. Oh, the action is going to be hot on the season finale. Except, why are they playing the Bills? I need a more sexy matchup. Maybe the Pats or the Steelers would be better choices. Anyway, this game is about as interesting as watching someone lay linoleum. But, pick I must. Jets!!
And so ends the reign of one Norv Turner. We've thought this was going to happen at least three other times. I'm glad it's finally over and us Charger fans can get some closure. No, Norv, you keep the hat. It's the right thing to do. I just need you out of the apartment by Monday. The Raiders will be starting Terrelle "TP" Pryor, and I can't wait to see the former Buckeye running for his life and getting beat on like a nerdy kid with no lunch money. Chargers!
SF welcomes AZ and this game could get ugly. SF has massive injuries and wants to just hang on to win the division. AZ is starting their 4th different QB. Yes, their 4th different QB!! I said it twice, in case you were unclear about the profundity of that statement. All I have to say, is Larry Fitzgerald is a better man than me, because I would have gone TO (the bad one) on those punks if I was wasting my good years to a bum. He's like a young wife with a dead beat. Before you know it, she'll be 42, divorced, two kids and have no prospects at happiness. It's so sad. Niners!
Seattle just wins at home. And they welcome STL in for a lil' tune up before the playoffs. STL has a nice D and a small but noticeable upward trend of wins and steady improvement as a football team. Too bad for them, there are no playoff implications for them. After going 2-14 last season, they have to see 7-7-1 as a great step forward, like a toddler switching to pull-ups, with mostly the same roster. I' like seeing Wilson play well, though, and I think a young club like the Seahawks need some confidence going into the playoffs. Seahawks!
Ah, and there you have it. One more regular season in the books. I feel good about this year. I leave you with TO's Top 5 Football Stories to Look Forward to in 2013:
- Andy Reid, after losing his job, OD's on doghnuts and loses a foot to instant on-set diabetes
- Cam Newton hires a body language expert and starts doing press conferences wearing a perma-smile which gets him a deal with Colgate
- Tony Romo starts a t-shirt line called "No Excuses"
- Warren Sapp hits the lotto regaining his fortune. He expectedly heads straight to Magic City in Atlanta and loses it all in one night
- Joe Buck gets a voice box transplant and sounds like he gives a shit during telecasts, prompting HBO to give him his show back, until they realize he just has a bad personality and end it after one show...again
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