After a week hiatus, I'm back with the often wild final NFL regular season week of games. This week promises to be historic. When was the last time we've seen this many teams fighting for playoff berths in the last week? Will the Lions set the new mark for futility in the NFL? This week will be crazier than Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart squabbling over a Christmas rum cake recipe. Let's take a look!
St. Louis v. Atlanta looks to be a downer; St. Louis is out and ATL is in (the playoffs), so what's the motivation? Here's some...aww who am I kidding? The Falcons are so happy they're in the playoffs, they probably have cots set up in Magic City, and will still beat the Rams.
New England v. Buffalo boasts one of the aforementioned whacky playoff scenarios. Can you imagine missing the playoffs with 11 wins? A travesty, I say! It's like working all summer to get the new Jordans. Then, just before you go to buy them, Jordan finds Jesus and claims he's out the shoe game. The price goes up $50 per lace and you're ass out...tragic.
K.C. v. Cincy isn't even as interesting as the third place NIT game. There should be an irrelevancy rule in the NFL. If teams aren't playing for the playoffs or futile history, then there should be something else on the line. For instance, each of the losing team's players should have to enter their two favorite cars in a demolition derby immediately following the game. That way, we get two shows for one!
Detroit v. Green Bay is probably the most interesting game in the slate. Where were you when the first NFL team went 0-16 is gonna ring like "where were you when Obama was elected," or "where were you when James Evans from Good Times died"? Where ever you were, you knew your life would never be the same.
Tennessee v. Indy will be the battle of the backups. With both of these teams locked into their respective playoff spots, there may be little motivation for them to play starters the whole game. I look for Dungy to keep his starters in longer, as the Colts' problems with peaking too early have left many a Colts fan as unsatisfied as your lady when she's feeling especially fine.
NYG v. Minny is another possibly historic game. Ward could become the second thousand yard rusher on the Giants. A feat only accomplished three other times in NFL history. Yet, Minny needs this win, like Pookie from New Jack City needed crack, so I'm not so sure. In the words of the late Rick James, "cocaine is a hell of a drug." I gotta go with the fiend.
Caro v. NO sees more potential history. Man, I feel like I'm in an ESPN episode of "NFL's Greatest Games" right now. Anyway, Brees could become the single season passing record holder if he goes coconuts and passes for over 400 yards. On the other side of the field, Carolina is literally one bad kick and a week long hangover away from being a wild card team. I like Cackalacky to come through like a booty call - ready to beat and be out.
Cleveland v. Pitt. What to say about this game? I guess someone sat on the Pittsburgh Leprachaun last week, as they finally didn't come up with late game heroics to steal one. They won't need the luck of the Irish this week. Things have gotten so bad in the mistake by the lake, that Bruce Gradkowski could be starting today....that's the joke. I can't add to that.
Oakland v. Tampa might be interesting to a few people in Tampa Bay, as they can still make the playoffs with a "W." They just need the Cowboys to lose. The real question is, what going on in Oakland? All of a sudden, they're winning games like crazy! I haven't seen a better comeback since Flavor Flav started dating hoochies on t.v.
Chicago v. Houston sees a Bears team with playoff hopes more faint than the alcohol content of an O'Doul's. You know what they say about bears in a corner, though. They'll come out fighting against the Texans. They'll need some more special teams trickery to make it happen, but the football Gods have a condo in Chicago.
NYJ v. Miami has more drama than an MTV reality series. I want to see still shots of Favre, Pennignton, the Tuna, Mangini, and Sparano - with Alanis Morisette's "Ironic" playing in the background. I want to go with Miami so bad, I can taste Favre's tears. Miami going north in December makes me nervous but I love seeing teams collapse, though. GO PHINS!!!
Dallas v. Philly sits like one of those Philly cheesestakes you can buy off the corner in Philly. It's great going down, but in the end it's gonna stink something awful. Regardless of what team wins, heads will roll on the losing team. In this montage, I want T.O., Romo, and Phillips to have their faces painted on the Ichobod Crain pumpkin. Then, I want the headless horsemen to lift up his visor to show the faces of McNabb, Reid, and of course T.O. again. Then, they joust with "Push it to the limit," from Scarface playing in the background. I hope the Ichobods' heads roll.
Jax v. Baltimore is amazingly a game of little importance. We thought Jacksonville would be in the hunt; we see how that prediction went. Baltimore is surprisingly in a great spot to get into the playoffs. They might not even need to play hard if NE goes down in the early game, but Jacksonville is SO bad that I don't see them winning regardless of the playoff picture.
S.F. v. Washington are teams headed in two completely different directions...sort of like Michael and the rest of the Jackson brothers in the eighties. Anyway, I doubt Singletary's new contract has made him relax any. He's wound tighter than Al Sharpton at a Sarah Palin rally. His boys will play hard.
Seattle v. AZ is only interesting because I want to see if Arizona can stop the free fall. Someone must have clapped their hands on a mountain of freshly fallen snow, then yelled, "AVALAAAANCHE!!!" really loud. Did Kurt Warner age 15 years in one month, or is the release of Benjamin Button making me see things? I'm going with them out of pity.
Denver v. San Diego is my trash talk game of the week. I love it when these guys go back and forth at each other. You know what I always say. If you wanna play well, talk some trash. There's no better motivator than making sure you're not proven a liar. The drama in this one is also palpable, with the looming Hoculi call, Denver being the falling giant in the AFC West, and the playoff berth going to the winner of this game. I usually go with the hot team, so I won't break tradition. It is Christmas week and all...on the other hand, San Diego has stabbed me in the back many weeks. So, screw them. I'm putting my Mile High rally cap on.
Wow, what a week 17. First, a break from work, then Christmas, then this week of football. We are truly blessed. It almost makes me forget about the financial crisis, the war, the freezing cold, and the failing auto industry...wait no it doesn't. But it is a hell of a sedative!
Thanks for another great season.
I'm out like Israeli-Palestinian peace treaties...AGAIN!!
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