NFL Week 7 Picks

Okay, okay after I took a bye week, we're back with more picking sophistication, supplanted solely by supposition and hilarious alliteration. Let's get to the part we all came for, week 7 winning picks!

The Thursday game this week was one long slobberknocker. For those of you not familiar with this term, it is the physical manifestation of a metaphor. When one is hit so hard, slobber is forcibly removed from their nose holes. Amazingly, people are starting to question Alex Smith again. I think he only looked kind of subpar. I mean, he did go 14-23 with a TD and an INT. Since when is that so horrible, especially against a top ranked D? I'll never understand the pundits that aren't me. For the rest of the games...

Division rivals, Tampa Bay and New Orleans kick us off in the one city with two names bowl. The most interesting thing about this game is a dude that hasn't played yet. However, the game's a little more sexy since Drew "I Miss My Homies" Brees and Josh "Baby Hair" Freeman got wins last time up to bat. I think the Succaneers are playing pretty well right now, so I'm going with the team with less mental baggage. Buccs!

The Sock Whisperer has arrived!!! Even Umenyiora is calling him Sir. He should enjoy it while he can, because the Giants D is going to beat him like a runaway slave. Notwithstanding recent history, the Redskins allow more airtime to QB's than Delta and Lil' Brother Manning is going H.A.M. through the air this year. Los Gigantes!!

Houston v Baltimore is the kind of game you can't wait for...all the players you know to return. Man, I had this game circled, but it looks like injuries could decide it. Let's see if the new dudes can handle Mein Fuhrer Foster. On a more serious note, who names a (half) black kid Arian? Anyway, you'll see a jacked up Ravens squad, now that Ray Lewis has more time to get back to his coke business. Yeah, that was a low blow but who cares? Houston bounces back. Texans!

Indy's playing Cleveland and I was prepared to write off the Browns, per usual, but they're actually playing like they could beat an SEC Team. Hey, you gotta start somewhere. Colts fans were treated to a Luck that looked lost last week. If Waldo were a receiver, he would have failed the first grade. Damn, he was bad! But, I have faith in the kid. Just, he's facing a pass D that gives up fewer yards than a pimp gives money. This is a tough one, but with their first road win in over a year...Cleveland!

Ruh Roh, Green Bay is back. Now, if we could just get rid of those dumb ass discount double check commercials. How 'bout it? A fair trade - your game for our sanity? But...Oh no, say it aint so. We have our first *UPSET ALERT* of the week. St. Louis is poised to bring back their running attack after Steven All-Wheel Drive Jackson has looked dismal this season. But, in a strange twist of fate, both of these teams are 3-3 with no discernible consistency betwixt them. So, there can be no upsets. Still, the STL is undefeated at home and I don't trust the Cheesey McDouble Checks. Rams!

Minny plays AZ and I think Kolb told the doctors to tell the team he had a rib injury so he could relieve himself of the bludgeoning he's been taking. Suddenly,  the Cardinals look like the Cardinals and Defense aside, the Emperor has no clothes. Minny was looking good, too, but ponder has regressed more than arctic ice, though he's that cold. Somehow, I see a comeback for young Ponder. AZ's D is as susceptible to the run as 4th grade teachers are to the flu in January. Three words. Play. Action. Pass. Vikes!

Buffalo welcomes Tennessee to Raymond James for what could be an offensive explosion of epic proportions. Both of these teams are at the bottom of the league in points allowed. Tennessee, though, is probably the most egregiously bad team here. They have a geriatric playing QB, no D and a RB that used to get 200 yard games like fat people got diabetes, yet they're happy with a 91 yd game?! If Spiller and Jackson can hang on to the football, it should be happy times in Buffalo, if that phrase has ever been uttered. Bills!

Dallas heads east to Caro in our next matchup. I don't know which team I like worse. Per usual, Dalllas' roster and history have pulled the okie doke on us, as we watch them find new and creative ways to pull L's out of their pants, like rappers pull racks.While Caro is a bigger disappointment than the champagne room. Cam, I used to have your back. Now, I'm pointing at you with my eyes wide like you did it. What happened to the rookie sensation; the kid that was talking about how hard he was working all off-season? Now, you have to face one of the best D's in the league to try and get back on track. GAH!! It hurts my fingers to type this. Dallas!

NE welcomes NYJ in a battle of AFC East Supremacy! Why does it feel like they're just trying to pick themselves up off the mat? NE, remarkably, found a way to lose last week. NYJ has more injuries than an Afghani infirmary. However, NE hasn't lost so ugly and you have to give them some love, considering their recent history. Rex, regardless of his jib flapping is going to need some comfort food after this one. Pats!

Jacksonville plays Oakland and I could care less. Alas, all games count toward my victory. Jacksonville is so bad, I don't have any pithy remarks for their ineptitude. This saddens me. Oakland needs to just find a way to win. Well, things are looking up! If they blow this I've written them off like Geno Smith can write off the Heisman. Raiders!

Pittsburgh v Cincy in another division game this week. Both of these teams need a win more than they need air, right now. I'm particularly disappointed in my boy Tomlin's Steelers. Injuries aside, they give up the wins more than Romney gives up gaffs. Cincy is just being Cincy. However, they're .500 and the Steelers aren't. Still, I trust them as much as a thief in my house. Steelers!

Monday night we get the Lions v the Bears. This is the first time the Lions have been on MNF in my lifetime! And I can't enjoy it, because of an early flight the next day. BOOO!!! Personal interest aside, Stafford is does not look like he's into it in the first half of games. If he plays lazy, you can write this game off like a bad check for the Lions. The Bears, though, score nearly as much on D as the D gives up! What's that about? Has a D ever turned Offenses over more in the first third of a season? This is some epic stuff. I just hope the D line for Detroit can give Cutler that poopy face he loves to make so much. However, it is unlikely and I'd be crazy to pick my home squad. Call me insane! Lions!

Alright, sports fans. Look to your left, look to your right; none of you are going to win cuz I'm not standing next to you! That's the NFL 2012 week 7 wins and losses set in stone and I don't see Sir Lancealot. Peace, and good luck.

NFL Week 11 2011

What in the who hell happened on Thursday?! I was engulfed in Omega Psi Phi 100 year founding festivities and unfortunately only saw bits and pieces. The highlights suggest that all that religion Tebow be talking is actually voodoo. However, I'm moving onward and upward. The rest of week 11 is on deck.

First up, we have Carolina v Detroit. I'll actually be AT this game to see the greatest rookie of all times *dances like Muhammad Ali* but unfortunately he'll be running for his life against the Lions' D Line. We can only hope Stafford channels his inner Michael Jackson and becomes one with the glove because the rest of their schedule is roouuuugh. Let's go boys! Lions!

The Raiders go to the upper midwest and take on the Vikes as well. This game will actually be the one I'm most interested in watching. Both of these teams are surging like high tide in Maui, with new QB's becoming acclimated. I'm expecting All Day to have a beastly type performance tomorrow, though. He'll feel challenged by Oakland's top 5 run game. Vikes!

Cincy v Baltimore. Baltimore looks like an old taxi. The boy still runs, but the suspension is giving out and the seats are ripped to shreds. I've said I like this team to go to the Super Bowl, but this could be a loss, in what looks like a mid season slump. Andy Dalton will be without my other favorite rookie, AJ Green, though. That will be a big deal. We see improvement after disappointment, for both teams. I change my mind - gotta ride with my favorite. Ravens!

Jax takes on Cleveland, and I...*yaaaawn* Sorry, I fell asleep for a minute. The bowling ball with legs, that is known as MJD, will roll on Cleveland faster than Lebron James to Miami. The Jacksonville D will humble an ailing offense and we'll all be bored by halftime. Jags!

Next we have TB v GB. I'm going to say up front, that this could be one of only two losses I predict for GB.  I know what you're thinking, "Therran you're crazy as hell. Here's another one of your hair brained ideas." Think about this - Rodgers has lost 3 times to TB and the last time they played, TB stopped a 12 game losing streak when they beat the Pack. Hear me now? Yeah, me either. I can't, in good conscious take Tampa. Packers!

Dallas heads up to division rival Washington in our next matchup. Dallas is handling cats like luggage, lately, and I for one can't stand it. There's nothing more annoying than listening to Cowboys fans. However, they look pretty good. My predictions about Shanahan seem to be right as well. He's starting Vex me Rexy and Ryan Torain to prove my soothsaying prowess. Really, Mike, that's what's good? That's what's poppin' in the streets? I don't think so. 'Boys!

Buffalo heads down to the dirty to go put hands on Miami like Chris did Rihanna. What, too soon? Okay, like Ike beat Tina, like Suge slapped up Daz, like Craig knocked out D-Bo. Buuut, hold on a cotton picking minute. The Dolphins have found their sea legs, and are about to start upsetting some dreams in the AFC East. I'm going to call them Inception the rest of the season. I'm convinced the Bills haven't yet figured it out. They'll keep sliding. Dolphins!

Seattle heads to St. Louis in our next matchup. I'm hinging this whole game on Marshawn Lynch and St. Louis' lack of run Defense. Beastmode will be just that, in this race from the bottom. Seahawks!

Ummm, what is a John Skelton and how did he over come two interceptions to beat the Eagles last week? Does he have a Leprachaun chained up in his basement? Well, whatever he has it's about to expire like old milk, because San Fran ain't playing! And by that, I mean they ARE playing - and well. Who knew, old crazy eyes was holding them back last year? Oh, that we me! Even without Frank Gore, this game goes to San Fran.

I'm going with the theory that Atlanta wanted to lose last week, to keep things interesting. That could be the only explanation for such a profoundly stupid decision at the end of the game!! I digress from the point. This week they play an AFC foe, in Tennessee. I'm conflicted, here. The AARP's MVP athlete of the year, Matt Hasselbeck has made some defenses look stupid but the Falcons have a squad that they LOVE to squander. What's the deal, here? Sometimes they look great, and sometimes they look average. I think they come out pissed off at last week's debacle and play with emotion. Falcons!

The Chargers are officially a joke. The Bears are officially back. I can't foresee anything changing this week. I'm sure the Chargers will win now that I'm finally picking against them, but the Bears' defense looks like they've been eating steroid cookies and Jay Cutler is the next best QB after Rodgers the last few weeks. I think they keep rocking like the football U2. Bears!

Sunday night we get the Vickless Eagles versus their hated rival Giants. I'm not one to pile on Philly but the wheels on the bus have flown off the axles and are careening down a mountain towards a valley of self doubt. The Giants are playing well, and should be very motivated after a loss at the hands of the '9ers. Giants! *Over/Under Alert*!! Young throws 1.5 hissy fits after a week of criticism for his poor play?

New England plays KC in our Monday Night Game. KC had us fooled like Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries for a couple of weeks, but they've proven to be a fraud. New England has doubters yet still are first in the AFC East, after they're competition decided to start to stink up the league like moldy refrigerators. The killer instinct kicks in, I do believe. I'm also predicting an Ochocinco sighting this week. 11 weeks should be long enough for even a fool to learn the offense. New England!

Alright, I'm writing this on an old blog site I'm deciding to bring back. The Fair and Balanced Report lives!! take a look and tell me what you think. I've already written my Thanksgiving prayer around the idea that I win this week so I'm looking forward to this glorious victory.

Get well, Rae Rae!

Crabs in a Bucket Spreads to New Communities

What has the world come to? Have we entered the age when we can't trust a house full of random people we don't know to not take pictures of us with their camera phones and sell them to the tabloids? I seriously want to know who the clown was, that sent the picture of Michael Phelps taking bong rips, to the paper.

Honestly, you're some random jack off in South Carolina. What is the coolest thing that has ever happened in South Carolina? I'm going to guess it's a 12 time gold medalist partying with you backwood, english destroying, confederate flag waving, never to have a star party with you again - hicks. Let's at least hope this person won the equivalent of the megamillion lottery for sending this picture in to that London rag. If they didn't, what was the point?

If that person didn't come up, then hating has hit a remarkable and unprecedented professional level. There was a time when haters just hated. They might disparage you behind your back. They might even be so bold as to tell you, to your face, that you were insane or never going to accomplish your goals. Haters going to the press with their hate is too damn much hate!

Then, Kelloggs hates by dropping Phelps. Word?! Kellogg's...Kellogg's...I'm going to think about how to phrase this. Do you realize how consistent it is with your image that your spokesperson is taking bong rips? He is the spokesperson for Frosted Flakes, for crying out loud!! Frosted Flakes are the stoner equivalent of a royal rumble at a 12 year old boy's birthday slumber party - inextricably linked.

Even your website is a high man's heaven. Have you ever taken a look at your top recipes? You boast Double Coated Chicken, Crispix Mix, Chocolate Scotheroos, and Good and Spicy Meatballs, to name a few items. These recipes are considered required literature in the Blaze Academy. How dare you drop him, you haters?

Finally, the biggest haters of all - cable news. Yes, I understand you make it your business to hate, pass judgement, and generally numb the minds of your viewing audience with your incessant coverage of meaningless junk; but you were one of the biggest reasons for all of this outrage. The U.S. Swimming Association and Phelps' sponsors had basically forgiven him for his "transgression." Thanks to your consistent outcries and coverage, we saw the equivalent of what happens in Vegas definitely NOT staying in Vegas - to the tune of millions in sponsorship and time in the pool. This man is a hero so he had to fall, right? Because of you, cable news, every famous person has to live every moment like a saint, lest they want to conjure the wrath of the most worthless entity to hit the media since C-Span 17 or E!

Haters have got to go. It is finally time for the least of us to be banished to obscurity. How can this be done? We pay no attention to them. If you have any realness in your body, you must resist the urge to listen to, agree with, give credence, or any consideration to the black hole that is the hater's abyss of negativity. Join me! Get closer to God by rejecting all bitch ass-ness. Bring back the tides of good will, participation, and congradulations amongst the winners of the world. Remember, you don't have to bring someone down to raise yourself up. If you really think that way, then welcome to the reason you are where you are now. Change your mindstate, not the perception of some else's greatness. Your soul will thank you for it.

Drugs are Bad, Mmmmkay?

I'm in this AdLaw class. In it, we're discussing the legality of direct to consumer advertising (DTCA). DTCA has been legal since 1997, when DTCA laws changed in the U.S. Only the U.S. and two other developed nations share this distinction, if that's what it can be called.

So, if you're wondering whether you're socially inept, impotent, or believe the Jarvik artificial heart guy you're probably a victim of DTCA...or a total fool - take your pick. It's an epidimic that's sweeping the nation and doctor's offices, across this great country. Marketers and companies do some pretty sleazy things, but messing with people's health? That's the bottom line.

It was educationally estimated that $4.2 billion (yes, billion) was spent on DTCA in 2005. 94% of which was focused on everyone's favorite medium, the tv. Is anyone else sick of seeing boner commercials when trying to watch a wholesome episode of Jeopardy with their mothers? I am, and it has to stop. It has to stop like JJ had to stop Michael from joining the Black Panther Party on Good Times. It has to stop like the hearts of those goldfish you bring home from the state fair. It has to stop like George Bush's term in office. In other words, for the good of the nation we must join together as if we were Voltron to bring justice to the meek.

I'm a marketer and I'm usually all for direct communication to consumers, but drug companies are already known to be suspect. We know they pay off doctors to push their medications to their customers. I call it drugola, from the famous payola of the old radio days; although I think this still exists. How else would Soulja' Boy Tell 'Em get on the radio? Come on, "Kiss me Through the Phone"? But I digress. The psychological power and danger that exists with having an overdrugged and hypochondriac nation could be enormous. I remember when the only things we had to worry about as kids was the asthma puffer and lice. Now, kids are popping pills for everything from ADHD to depression - a kid, DEPRESSED!

Can you picture kids needing a boost of legal speed before going outside to play? It's already hard enough to get their fat asses to put down the PS3. Do old men who can't get it up really need to be doing it? I'm making t-shirts that say "Remember Vioxx." If you've forgotten, this is the company that went on an all out marketing blitz of their product in 2000 and 2001. They won advertising and marketing awards for being a "power company." Soon, we found out that tens of thousands suffered severe cardiovascular problems from this drug. The yellow bellied government won't do anything unless the constituents say something - so say something!

To join the fight against this disturbing practice, go to www.stopdrugads.org/learnmore.html.

III HAAAAVE THE POWERRRR!!!

My buddy Roland Burriss. I call him my buddy because he has delusions of grandeur akin to my own. The erection of his own mosileum with a list of his accomplishments says so. Okay, the truth...Roland Burriss is like an oversized beauty mark. His very existence is oxymoronic. Who claims humility while erecting a mosileum of their accomplishments in the same lifetime? Roland Burriss does.



Bank of America sold off $2.83 billion of assets of a Chinese bank, effectively reducing the company's worth by 2.5 percent. This leads me to the question - what is really being done with these TARP funds? The TARP funds are the Carrot Top of all governmental decisions...a walking joke that tells more and more jokes, never going away.

Bleh.

Beware: This Post Can Bring About the 'Itis

There is very little prep work that needs to be done for this video. I think that I need one of those laugh now cry later masks and a mile jog just to watch this ridiculousness.


Watch CBS Videos Online

*Yaaaawwn*

I'm going to go take a nap. And maybe have a good cry.

Sly Like a Savant

In the continuing drama that surrounds Blagojevich, we now have Roland Burris. A man that has been a political opportunits his whole career. He's like any point gaurd that plays for coach Mike D'Antoni. Ask Steve Nash what D'Antoni did for his career.

Despite his strong record of integrity, Burris draws the ire of his own party. Not so much for what he's done in the past, but for his most recent moves. Is it wrong for me to question the intelligence of a man that accepts a nomination from Blago? I mean, he couldn't have thought that his acceptance of this offer would be met with cheers - could he? That's akin to me signing a record deal with a record company formed by the deposed Milli Vanilli "singers." Then, expecting people to believe it's my voice when I pull an Ashley Simpson on SNL.

I'm sick of this whole story, and I'm also pissed. I'm pissed off that these idiots feel it necessary to add more drama to an Obama Administration facing mulitple crises. Finally, I'm apalled at the stupidity and/or smugness of Mr. Burris. His whole attitude with his defiant, "I'm showing up in Washington" rhetoric is sickening. You made your point, alright. It made you destroy a whole career of positive in one word - yes.

I'm pleading with you, Mr. Burris, to stop the madness. Please. Any idea we ever had of you being intelligent are gone. I want to do you like Cartman does Mr. Kitty on South Park. "No Kitty, that's my pot pie"!!